Why Is Our Relationship Struggling?
- John Weiman
- 16 hours ago
- 5 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Relationship Coaching, Couples Therapy, and Marriage Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland
You can care about each other and still feel like the relationship is coming apart.
Couples tell me:
“We keep asking what is wrong with us.”
“We love each other but something is off.”
“It feels like we are stuck in the same cycle and nothing changes.”
If you are here, you are probably searching for some version of “Why is our relationship struggling?” or “Why does my marriage feel so hard?”
You are not broken. You are in patterns that can be understood and changed.
Below are ten of the most common reasons relationships struggle after working with more than four thousand couples.
Top 10 reasons your relationship is struggling
Under almost every big fight there is a dream.
One partner dreams about building a business, the other dreams of stability.
One wants more kids, the other wants to be done.
One dreams of living near family, the other dreams of moving away.
When those dreams never get talked about or honored, people quietly give them up “for the relationship.” On the surface the couple “compromised.” Underneath, someone is carrying silent resentment.
What it looks like:
“I gave that up a long time ago, it was not realistic.”
Eye rolls when the other person talks about their plans or passions.
One partner feels like the “anchor” holding the other back.
First step
Make space to ask each other, “What do you really want your life to look like in five years” and listen without arguing or fixing. The goal is to understand the dream, not solve it in one night.
Struggling couples are not always the ones who fight. They are the ones who never repair and fight well.
What it looks like:
Fights jump from zero to sixty in a few sentences.
You stack old hurts on top of current problems.
No one says “time out,” “I am sorry,” or “can we start over.”
First step
When you feel yourself getting heated, pause and say, “I want to talk about this, but I need a short break so I can do it well.” Come back and start with, “Here is what I am really afraid of in this situation.”
Research on couples shows that most relationship conflicts are never fully solved. They are built out of personality differences, history, values, and needs.
What it looks like
You have the same fight about money, in-laws, chores, or intimacy for years.
You keep trying to convince the other person to see it your way.
Compromises never hold because the deeper issue was never named.
First step
Instead of asking “How do we end this fight forever?” try “What is the dream or fear under each of our positions?” You are trying to understand what this issue represents, not just the surface topic.
Affairs do not always end relationships, but they always change them.
What it looks like
Emotional affairs that start as “friendship” and drift into secrecy.
Physical affairs, either one-time or ongoing.
Micro betrayals like secret flirting, deleting messages, or hiding on social media.
First step
The first non-negotiable step is ending the affair and all secret contact. The second is being willing to answer hard questions and live with more openness than feels comfortable for a season.
Trust is not only about affairs. It is about whether your partner believes you have their back.
What it looks like:
Lying about money or how you spend your time.
Promising change and then falling back into the same patterns.
Checking phones, social media, or tracking locations.
One partner feels crazy for noticing something that is actually off.
First step
Own specific ways you have broken trust, even small ones, and follow through on one or two clear, observable changes. At the same time, talk about jealousy as a signal of deeper vulnerability, not as a character flaw.
You live together but feel alone.
What it looks like
Conversations are only about schedules, kids, or logistics.
You spend evenings in separate rooms on separate screens.
Little or no affection, inside jokes, or shared experiences.
First step
Start small. One shared activity each day that is not about tasks. It can be a short walk, sitting together after the kids are in bed, or a nightly check-in with the question, “What was one high and one low from today?”
Criticism is when you attack your partner’s character instead of describing a problem.
What it looks like
“You are so lazy.”
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”
“What is wrong with you.”
First step
Practice describing what you feel and what you need without labels. For example, “When the dishes are left overnight, I feel overwhelmed. I need help getting the kitchen reset before we go to bed.”
Defensiveness shows up when your first instinct is to explain, justify, or counterattack.
What it looks like
“You are one to talk, you do the same thing.”
“That is not what happened; you are exaggerating.”
“If you were not so controlling, I would not act like this.”
First step
Look for the ten percent that is true in what your partner is saying. Start with, “I can see why that upset you,” or “You are right that I dropped the ball there.”
Contempt is hostile humor, sarcasm, and eye rolling that sends the message “I am better than you.” Relationship research shows it is one of the strongest predictors of separation.
What it looks like
Name-calling or mocking how your partner talks.
Eye rolling or smirking when they share a concern.
Jokes that sting more than they make anyone laugh.
First step
Replace contempt with appreciation. Make a daily habit of naming one thing you respect or value about your partner, even if you are in a hard season.
Stonewalling is shutting down to cope with emotional overload.
What it looks like
Going silent during conflict and refusing to answer.
Walking out of the room without saying when you will return.
Numbing out with work, screens, or substances instead of engaging.
First step
If you stonewall, tell your partner what is happening inside: “I feel overwhelmed, and my brain is shutting down. I need twenty minutes to calm my body, and then I can come back and talk.”
When is it time to get professional help for your marriage?
Consider couples therapy or marriage counseling when:
You have tried to change these patterns and keep getting pulled back in.
One or both of you is thinking seriously about separation or divorce.
There has been infidelity, addiction, or deep betrayal.
The relationship is affecting your kids, your work, or your health.
You do not feel safe being vulnerable with one another.
FAQ: Struggling relationships and counseling
Is it normal for relationships to struggle after big life changes?
Yes. New babies, job changes, moves, losses, and health issues put enormous pressure on a relationship. The danger is waiting years to get help.
Can a relationship recover from all of these problems?
Many couples who arrive feeling hopeless rebuild and end up more connected than they have ever been. Recovery is possible when both partners are willing to do the work consistently.
What if my partner does not want counseling?
You can start on your own. Changing how you respond, setting boundaries, and getting support for yourself often shifts the dynamic enough that the other partner becomes more open to joining.
If you have any questions about why your relationship is struggling and whether counseling could help, feel free to reach out at +1 (410) 419-8149.
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