My spouse and I are constantly bickering. Do we need help?
- John Weiman
- 6 days ago
- 6 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, and Couples Therapy in Maryland
In the last 15 years of my practice, I have seen tons of couples who constantly bicker.
Many of them ask me some version of
“John, how do we stop fighting in our marriage”
BUT the number one thing that most couples miss is that most conflict is unresolvable.
Research shows that close to 70% of marital conflicts are permanent. The goal is not to erase all disagreements.
The goal is to keep conflict from becoming toxic and to stay emotionally connected even when you see things differently.
When bickering turns into deeper patterns, it can damage both partners and the relationship. I think of those patterns as the five dangerous stages of marital conflict.
The 5 most dangerous stages of marital conflict that couples NEED to avoid
1. Conflicting dreams
When I ask couples in session
“What is your dream here”
I often hear something heartbreaking like
“John, I gave that up years ago”
Under many fights about chores, money, or parenting is a dream
To feel respected
To have an adventure
To feel safe and stable
To be a certain kind of parent or partner
When neither person feels that their deeper dream is seen or honored, conflict becomes a tug of war instead of a conversation. You are no longer just arguing about the budget. You are fighting for your identity and the life you wanted.
Over time, people shut down their own dreams to keep the peace. Silent resentment grows, and every small disagreement pokes at that buried disappointment.
2. Entrenchment of your partner
Once dreams feel blocked, each partner starts to dig in. You become attached to your position instead of being curious about what the other person is trying to protect.
Conversations sound like
“You always do this.”
“You never listen.”
“If you would just stop doing x, everything would be fine”
Neither person feels safe enough to shift even a little. Any suggestion feels like surrender. So the same argument repeats over and over, with slightly different details, and no real movement.
3. Fear of accepting influence
In healthy couples, both partners can be moved by each other. They accept influence. That means they can say
“You matter to me, and whil I might not agre with you, let me try to see it how you see this”
When conflict escalates, accepting influence feels scary. You worry that if you bend even a little, you will lose yourself or be walked on.
So you start saying
“I am doing it my way.”
“You do not get to tell me what to do.”
Research has shown that relationships are much stronger when both partners are able to accept influence from their partner. When that willingness disappears, fights become power struggles instead of problem-solving.
Once you feel stuck and unheard, it becomes easy to see your spouse as the enemy. This is where the Four Horsemen of relationship disaster show up
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
You move from “We have a problem” to “You are the problem.”
Examples
Criticism
“You are lazy” instead of “I need more help with dishes”
Contempt
Eye rolling, sarcasm, or name calling
Defensiveness
“I only did that because you started it”
Stonewalling
Shutting down, turning away, staring at the screen
The more these patterns appear, the more hopeless and alone both partners feel.
If conflict continues in this way, many couples reach a quiet and dangerous stage. The bickering may even slow down, but not because things are better.
One or both partners think:
“Why bother”
“Nothing changes anyway”
“I will just keep my thoughts to myself”
You stop sharing feelings, stop trying to repair, and stop reaching out. At this point, you may feel more like roommates or distant relatives than partners. Affairs, separation, or emotional numbness become real risks.
The good news is that there are concrete ways to interrupt this progression and turn back toward each other.
How to prevent these five dangerous stages of marital conflict
You do not have to do this perfectly. Small changes, done consistently, can protect your marriage from sliding down this slope.
1. Honor each other’s dreams
Instead of focusing only on the surface issue, get curious about the dream underneath.
Ask each other
“What does this really mean to you?”
“What are you afraid would happen if this dream never comes true?”
“What part of this matters most?”
You might discover that your spouse’s dream is not about the house, the city, or the schedule. It is about freedom, security, belonging, or purpose.
You may not share the same dream, but you can respect it. You can say
“I may not feel that same pull, but I can see how important this is for you”
From there, you can look for small ways to support each other rather than block each other.
2. Stop trying to win and submit to understanding (not losing either)
Submitting to understanding does not mean you are wrong. It means you temporarily lay down the need to win so you can fully grasp your partner’s experience.
In practice, this looks like
Letting your partner speak without interruption
Reflecting back on what you heard
“So for you, my late nights at work feel like abandonment, not dedication”
Asking “Did I get that right?” before you respond with your own view
When both people feel seen, heard, and understood, the intensity of the fight usually drops. You may still disagree, but you are now on the same side of the table, looking at the problem together.
3. Practice accepting influence
Accepting influence is one of the most powerful protectors in marriage.
At its core, you are saying:
“You are important, and your opinions matter to me, even when I do not agree immediately”
Examples:
“I still want to take that job, but hearing your fears about finances makes sense. Let's look at the budget together.”
“I prefer my family visiting often, but I hear that it feels overwhelming for you. Let's find a rhythm that works for both of us.”
Research found that people who accept influence from their partner tend to have happier, emotionally connected, and more stable relationships. The principle applies in every pairing. When both partners can be moved by each other, conflict stays flexible instead of rigid.
4. Use the antidotes to the Four Horsemen
Each of the Four Horsemen has a clear countermove.
Criticism
Antidote, gentle start-up
“I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is left messy. I need us to share the cleanup more evenly.”
Contempt
Antidote, building a culture of appreciation
Practice daily gratitude and respect
“Thank you for handling bedtime; that helped me a lot tonight.”
Defensiveness
Antidote, taking responsibility
“You are right, I did forget to call. I can set an alarm next time.”
Stonewalling
Antidote, self-soothing, and taking a break
“I care about this, and I am getting overwhelmed. Can we pause for twenty minutes and then come back”
The more often you use these antidotes, the less scary and more productive conflict becomes.
5. Build rituals of connection
Fights feel bigger when you have very little positive connection. Rituals of connection are small, consistent ways you show up for each other.
Ideas
Go on a vacation together
A ten-minute walk after dinner
A weekly check-in where each of you shares one appreciation and one request
A simple goodbye and reunion ritual when one of you leaves or returns home
These moments refill the emotional bank account, so that when you do have disagreements, there is warmth and goodwill to draw from.
Bickering by itself does not always mean you need professional help. Sometimes couples can make these changes on their own. Other times, extra support makes a huge difference.
Consider reaching out for counseling if:
You have tried to implement some of these ideas, and nothing changes, or attempts to change just spark more arguments
Fights escalate quickly into yelling, name-calling, or threats
One or both of you shut down completely and avoid important topics
Resentment is turning into indifference or fantasies about leaving
Infidelity, addiction, or serious betrayal is part of the picture
You no longer feel emotionally safe sharing your real thoughts and feelings
A good marriage counselor or coach will not take sides. The goal is to help both of you feel understood, rebuild safety, and learn new ways to handle the conflicts that are built into your relationship.
You do not have to wait until things are on the brink to ask for help. The sooner you work on these patterns, the easier they are to change.