The Most Underrated Secret To A Healthy Marriage | Expert Tips For Improving My Relationship & Marital Connection
- John Weiman
- 6 days ago
- 6 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, and Couples Therapy in Maryland
Most couples think of a healthy marriage in terms of communication, date nights, or how often they fight.
Those things matter. But there is one theme I see over and over again in my work with couples that quietly makes or breaks the relationship.
Dreams.
And funnily enough, it's not your dream as a couple. I'm talking about your individual dreams each of you carries inside.
Things like:
Going back to school
Starting a business
Moving to a different city or country
Being at home more with the kids
Doing meaningful, creative, or spiritual work
When these dreams are ignored or dismissed, silent resentment builds. Roommate syndrome appears. You stop being intimate. And all of a sudden, you're scrabbling to fix it or worse, get a divorce.
When those dreams are understood and supported, the whole emotional climate of the relationship changes.
Why dreams matter so much in marriage:
In many couples I work with, this is the moment that stops them in their tracks
I ask one partner
“What is your spouse’s dream in this situation”
and I get a long pause and then
“Honestly John, I am not sure. We have not talked about that in years.”
Or I ask the other partner
“What is your dream here”
and they quietly say
“I gave up on that a long time ago.”
Under fights about money, chores, and schedules, there are usually deeper dreams
To feel free
To feel safe
To be respected
To create something meaningful
If those deeper dreams never get airtime, the relationship seriously breaks down.
The good news is you can start working with dreams in very practical ways.
Top 4 Ways To Ensure Your Marriage Stays Healthy
By Honoring Your Spouse's Dreams
Map out your spouse’s dream
You cannot honor a dream you do not really understand.
This is more than guessing or assuming. It is about listening.
Try asking your spouse questions like
“If life could look the way you most want in ten years, what would a normal day be like?”
“Is there a dream you had as a kid that you still think about?”
“If money and time were not an issue, what would you love to try at least once?”
“What do you wish people understood about what you really want from life?”
After this, do not start with:
“we cannot afford that.”
“what about the kids?”
“that'll never work.”
First, map the dream.
You are trying to understand
What does this represent for them
Freedom
Stability
Creativity
Service
What feelings are tied to it:
Joy
Pride
Relief
Peace
You want to get to a place where you could describe your partner’s dream better than they can.
When someone feels that deeply known, it already softens a lot of tension.
Start participating in their dream
Participating in a dream does not always mean jumping all in.
Sometimes it looks like small, simple actions that say:
“I take this seriously and I am on your side.”
Examples
Your spouse dreams of finishing a degree
Look at the course options together
Watch the kids while they study one evening a week
Your spouse dreams of starting a small business
Ask them to show you their ideas
Help them set up a dedicated work corner in the house
Your spouse dreams of more creative time
Protect a regular time in the week where they can write, paint, or play music
You might say
“I am not sure yet how far we can go with this dream, but I want to start by supporting you in these small ways.”
When your behavior aligns with their dream, they feel less alone and less defensive in other areas of the relationship.
Honor their dream by supporting it
Honoring a dream means treating it as real and important, even when it scares you.
That can show up as
Emotional support
“I can see how much this matters to you, and I respect that.”
Practical support
Adjusting the budget together
Reworking schedules so there is room for progress
Respectful honesty
Sharing your concerns about risk without belittling the dream
There is a big difference between
“That is childish, we are too old for this”
and
“This dream matters to you. I want to understand it more, and I also want us to talk through what it would mean for our finances and family.”
Honoring a dream does not always mean saying yes to every detail. It does mean you treat it with dignity instead of contempt.
When people feel that their partner stands with them at the level of purpose and identity, many other conflicts become easier to navigate.
Join their dream (only if you can do it wisely)
There are moments when joining your spouse’s dream can be one of the most powerful acts of love in a marriage.
That might look like:
Moving to a place they have always wanted to live
Supporting a major career shift
Adjusting your lifestyle to match a calling or value they hold deeply
But it should not be done blindly.
Before joining a big dream, talk through questions like
“What are the possible gains for both of us if we move toward this?”
“What are the real risks we need to be honest about?”
“What support would you need from me to make this work?”
“What support would I need from you so I do not feel lost in this process?”
“How will we know if we need to adjust or pull back?”
Sometimes joining the dream looks like both of you walking toward it together at the same pace.
Sometimes it looks like agreeing on a trial period
one year
two years
to see how it impacts you as a couple and as a family.
Joining a dream should come from a clear choice and mutual respect, not guilt or pressure.
When dreams collide
What if your dreams genuinely conflict?
One partner wants to move to another state the other wants to stay near extended family
One partner wants children, the other is sure they do not
One partner wants to take a big financial risk, the other feels panicked at the thought
This is where many couples freeze. They either shut the topic down or fight about it for years with no progress.
In these moments, working with a couples therapist or coach can help you
Understand the deeper meaning behind each dream
Tell the full story of why each path matters
Explore creative options that you might not see alone
Decide honestly whether there is a future that both of you can genuinely live with
Sometimes there is a way to honor both sets of dreams over time. Sometimes the kindest choice is to admit that your paths are too different.
Either way, you deserve clarity rather than constant confusion and resentment.
Signs your marriage might need help with dreams and direction
You may want to consider counseling or coaching if:
You cannot name your spouse’s current dream, and they cannot name yours.
One or both of you quietly say, “I gave up on what I really wanted years ago.”
Every conversation about the future turns into a fight or shutdown.
Dreams are talked about only with friends or coworkers, never with each other.
One partner feels like the permanent blocker or the permanent martyr in the relationship.
You are starting to feel more like two individuals sharing a house than a couple.
Support in this area is not about forcing one person to give up their dream.It is about finally putting those deeper hopes on the table and deciding together what kind of life you can build.
FAQ
Is it selfish to hold on to my dream if it makes my spouse uncomfortable?
It is natural to have dreams that stretch or scare your partner. The key is how you handle them. Honest conversation, shared planning, and respect for each other’s limits matter more than pretending the dream does not exist.
What if my spouse does not seem to have any dreams?
Many people bury their dreams under years of stress or disappointment. Gentle questions, patience, and real curiosity can help those dreams surface again. In some cases, individual therapy can also help a person reconnect with what they want from life.
What if our dreams truly do not match?
If your core values and long-term visions are completely different, you may face a very hard decision. Couples work can help you see clearly whether there is a creative middle path or whether separating would be more honest and compassionate. The goal is clarity and integrity, not forcing a particular outcome.
References
Gottman Institute – Support Each Other’s Dreamshttps://www.gottman.com/blog/support-each-others-dreams/
BetterHelp – Marriage Intimacy Exerciseshttps://www.betterhelp.com/advice/intimacy/9-marriage-intimacy-exercises-for-a-deeper-connection/
Verywell Mind – Emotionally Focused Therapy for Distressed Coupleshttps://www.verywellmind.com/emotionally-focused-therapy-for-distressed-couples-2303813
Marriage Counseling Queen Creek – Transformative Couple Communication Techniqueshttps://marriagecounselingqueencreek.com/transformative-couple-communication-techniques-enhance-relationships/
Marriage Counseling Queen Creek – Strategies for Enhancing Emotional Connection in Couples Therapyhttps://marriagecounselingqueencreek.com/strategies-for-enhancing-emotional-connection-in-couples-therapy/
Business Insider – Relationship Advice from Couples Therapyhttps://www.businessinsider.com/manny-jacinto-couples-therapy-relationship-advice-marriage-2025-8
Full Well Therapy – Couples Therapy To Strengthen Relationshipshttps://www.fullwelltherapy.com/resources/fwttips/couples-therapy-strengthen-relationships
Marriage Healing Center – Ways To Build a Deep Emotional Connection in Your Marriagehttps://marriagehealingcenter.com/10-ways-to-build-a-deep-emotional-connection-in-your-marriage/
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