My Partner’s Jealousy Is A Problem. What Can We Do?

John Weiman
5 days ago
4 min read

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, and Couples Therapy in Maryland

My partner's jealousy is a problem... What can we do Best Marriage Counseling and Couples Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland, and Nationwide Couples Therapy, John Weiman

Jealousy can feel like a third person in your relationship.

Maybe your partner:

Checks your phone or social media.

Gets upset any time you go out without them.

Accuses you of cheating with little or no evidence.

Needs constant reassurance that you still love them.

At first, it might have even felt a bit flattering. But over time, it usually feels exhausting and unsafe.

Jealousy in relationships, especially, is often a mix of enduring vulnerabilities, past injuries, and fear of loss. The goal is not to shame the jealous partner, but to understand what is underneath and build new patterns that protect both people.

What jealousy in relationships actually is:

Jealousy is not always a sign that a partner is “crazy” or malicious. It usually includes:

A perceived threat to the relationship.

A fear of being replaced, abandoned, or humiliated.

Stories in your mind that feel real, even when there is not clear evidence.

Sometimes jealousy is grounded in real boundary violations. Sometimes it is driven mostly by old wounds and insecurity.

Either way, it will damage the relationship if it turns into monitoring, accusations, or controlling behavior.

Unhealthy jealous behaviors to watch for and examples that usually show up in couples I work with:

Checking phone, email, or social media without permission

Demanding constant check-ins about the location

Insulting or demeaning comments about your looks, clothing, or friends

Interrogating you whenever you see certain people

Threats to leave, punish, or expose you if you do not comply

If you are seeing these patterns, jealousy has become a behavior problem that both of you need to address.

Gottman talks about “enduring vulnerabilities," deep fears, and sensitivities each person carries into the relationship. In the jealousy context, that might be:

History of being cheated on.

Childhood experiences of rejection or abandonment.

Deep fear of not being good enough.

When those vulnerabilities are not talked about openly, jealous reactions jump in to protect the person from pain. It is clumsy protection, but it is still protection.

The work is to move from “You are crazy and controlling” versus “You are untrustworthy and shady” into “We both have vulnerabilities, and we both need to feel safe here.”

5 ways to combat relationship jealousy together

1. Talk honestly about where the jealousy comes from:

Jealousy thrives in silence. The first step is to name it without blame.

For the jealous partner:

“I notice I get really anxious and jealous when you go out without me. This started after my last partner cheated, and I never really dealt with it.”

For the non-jealous partner:

“I feel watched and mistrusted when you check my phone. I want us both to feel safe without me feeling controlled.”

Naming the pattern makes it a “we” problem instead of a “you” problem.

2. Set clear, mutual boundaries and expectations

Healthy relationships have boundaries that protect both partners.

Examples:

Being transparent about close friendships that have sparked jealousy

Agreeing not to delete messages or hide social connections

Having a clear agreement about what counts as flirting or emotional cheating

Boundaries are not about one partner policing the other. They are about both partners agreeing on what respect looks like in this relationship. Every couple is different, so coming to a mutual understanding is crucial here.

3. Work on trust-building behaviors, not just words

Trust is built more by what you do than what you say.

Trust-building behaviors include:

Following through on promises

Being where you say you will be

Volunteering information instead of waiting to be grilled

Turning toward bids for reassurance without rolling your eyes or dismissing them

For the jealous partner, trust building may mean:

Pausing before acting on a jealous thought

Asking “Is this about my partner or my old wounds?”

Choosing calming strategies before confronting your partner

4. Use the antidotes to criticism and contempt

Jealousy often shows up wrapped in criticism and contempt:

“You always flirt with other people. You are disgusting.”

“Anyone else would be more loyal than you.”

Instead of criticism, use a gentle start-up:

“I felt really anxious when I saw those messages. I need to understand what that relationship is and what our boundaries are.”

Instead of contempt, express your need and appreciation:

“I care about this relationship. It helps me feel secure when you check in if plans change.”

Removing the Four Horsemen does not remove the feeling of jealousy, but it stops the conversation from becoming relational damage.

5. Get professional help if jealousy has become chronic or abusive

Jealousy becomes unsafe when:

There is monitoring, stalking, or threats

One partner is isolated from friends and family

There is verbal, emotional, or physical abuse

At that point, couples work may need to be paired with individual therapy or safety planning. A trained therapist or coach can help identify whether this is mostly about vulnerability, mostly about control, or both.

When to consider couples therapy for jealousy

Consider getting help if:

You have the same fight about jealousy over and over

Your partner does not believe your reassurance, no matter what you do

You feel you have to shrink your life to keep them calm

Either of you has a history of infidelity, and trust is not healing

Jealousy does not have to ruin the relationship. When you treat it as a signal about deeper needs and wounds and work with it together, it can actually become a doorway to more honesty and closeness.