When Should We Get Marriage Counseling and How To Choose A Good Relationship Or Marriage Counselor!
- John Weiman
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coach in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, and Couples Therapy in Maryland
Most couples wait too long to get help.
By the time they walk into my office in Baltimore or log into an online session, I often hear:
“We should have done this years ago.”
“We only came because one of us mentioned divorce.”
“We thought we could fix it ourselves.”
If you are wondering whether it is “bad enough” for marriage counseling, you are already asking an important question. Let’s talk about when to get counseling and how to choose someone who can actually help.
When should we get marriage counseling?
You do not need to wait for a crisis. Some of the best outcomes I see are couples who come in before everything explodes. Here are some clear signs it is worth getting help:
You are having the same arguments over and over.
You know the script:
Who says what.
Who shuts down?
How it ends.
Nothing ever really gets resolved.
You just take a break until the next round.
One or both of you feel emotionally disconnected.
You care about each other, but:
You feel more like roommates.
You do things side by side but rarely feel close.
You do not talk about feelings or deeper topics anymore.
Big topics are off limits
You avoid talking about:
Sex and intimacy
Money and spending
In-laws or extended family
Parenting differences
Past betrayals
Every time you get close to these topics, one of you blows up or shuts down, so you stop trying.
You might be dealing with infidelity, secrets, or broken trust
This includes:
Emotional or physical affairs
Secret debt or financial betrayal
Hidden addictions or compulsive behaviors
These issues rarely heal on their own without intentional work.
One or both of you are thinking about separation or divorce.
If you are quietly researching lawyers or fantasizing about leaving, that is a clear sign your relationship needs serious attention. Counseling gives you a place to explore those thoughts honestly and decide what you want to do.
How to choose a good relationship or marriage counselor
Not every therapist is trained or comfortable working with couples.
You are allowed to be picky. Here are some things to look for when you want marriage counseling in Baltimore, Maryland, or online from anywhere in the US.
Look for someone who specializes in couples, not just “does every therapy.”
Questions to ask or look for on their website:
How much of your practice is couples versus individual work
What kind of couples issues do you work with most
Do you have specific training in couples models or relationship work
You want someone who thinks in terms of patterns between two people, not just “who is right.”
Make sure they will not take sides.
A good marriage counselor does not ally with one partner against the other.
You want to hear things like:
“My client is the relationship, not either individual.”
“I will be honest with both of you.”
“I am not here to decide who is the good guy and bad guy.”
If you leave every session feeling like your therapist is your spouse’s lawyer, that is a red flag.
Ask about their approach to high-conflict or high-stress couples.
If you are dealing with:
You need someone who has seen that before.
Ask:
How do you handle sessions where we are in a lot of conflict
What do you do if things get heated
Do you offer longer sessions or intensive options when needed
Fifty minutes is often not enough to unpack a complex pattern and help couples reconnect.
Pay attention to how you feel in the first one or two sessions.s
You do not need to know everything right away, but you can ask yourself:
Do I feel heard by this person
Do they understand the main problem we are trying to solve
Do I feel judged or shamed
Do I believe they can be honest with us
It is okay to try someone for a session or two and then decide they are not the right fit.
Consider logistics, but do not let them be the only factor
Practical questions matter:
Do they accept your insurance, or are they private pay
Do they offer online sessions if you travel or have kids
Are they located reasonably close if you want in-person sessions
Just remember: saving some money on a counselor who is not a good fit is not a real savings. You are investing in the future of your relationship.
If you have any questions about whether it is time for marriage counseling or how I work with couples, feel free to call me anytime at (410) 419-8149
FAQ
Can we go to marriage counseling if only one of us wants to?
Yes. Many couples start with one partner who is more motivated and another who is skeptical. A good counselor makes space for both perspectives. Sometimes, the skeptical partner becomes more engaged once they see the process.
What if we tried counseling before, and it did not help?
That happens. Sometimes the timing was off, or the style did not fit your situation. It is worth trying again with a different person and a clearer sense of what you need: more structure, more direct feedback, more focus on infidelity, more focus on trauma, and so on.
How long should we stay in counseling?
There is no exact formula. Some couples work intensively for a few months and then transition to occasional check-ins. Others stay longer while they rebuild from big betrayals or long-term disconnection. You and your counselor should talk openly about progress and goals.
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