Dealing With Passive Aggressive Conflict In Marriage
- John Weiman
- 16 hours ago
- 5 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Relationship Coaching, Couples Therapy, and Marriage Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland
Some couples rarely yell. There are no slammed doors. From the outside, the marriage looks calm.
Inside, it feels like this:
You make a simple request and get “Sure, whatever” in a flat tone. You bring up a concern and hear “I am fine,” while their body language says the opposite. Nothing is openly discussed. Nothing really changes. The air feels heavy all the time.
That is passive-aggressive conflict. It erodes connection just as much as shouting matches, and it can be even harder to name.
Here are ten common signs of passive-aggressive conflict in marriage and what you can start doing differently.
Top 10 signs of passive-aggressive conflict in marriage and how to solve them
Sign 1: “I am fine” when they are clearly not fine
What it looks like
Short, clipped answers.
Big sighs, slamming drawers, louder than usual chores.
A cold atmosphere with no clear reason.
What to try:
I can tell something is off, and I really want to understand. I will not argue with you about it. Can you help me see what is going on inside you?”
Sign 2: Sarcasm instead of honesty
What it looks like
“Nice of you to finally show up,” instead of “I felt hurt when you were late.”
Jokes that land like little stabs.
Teasing that always seems to be about the same sensitive topics.
What to try
Name the pattern gently: “When we only talk through jokes, I feel like I never get the real you. I would rather hear what you honestly think, even if it is hard to hear.”
Sign 3: Silent treatment
What it looks like
Hours or days of limited speaking.
Acting as if you do not exist in the same room.
Refusing to answer even simple questions.
What to try:
Set a boundary around silence.
“I understand you may need space when you are upset. I can respect that for a few hours. Going days without speaking feels punishing and makes it harder for me to stay open with you.”
Sign 4: “Forgetting” things that matter to you
What it looks like
Missing dates that are important to you but not to them.
Repeatedly forgetting tasks they agreed to that only benefit you.
Saying “You never told me that” about things you have clearly discussed.
What to try:
Instead of attacking their character, describe the pattern and the impact.
“When the things that matter to me fall off your radar, I feel low on your priority list. I need us to find a way to track these things together.”
Sign 5: Agreeing in the moment, resisting later
What it looks like
In conversations or counseling, they say, “You are right, I will work on that.”
Later, they drag their feet, delay, or subtly sabotage the change.
You feel like you are the only one pushing anything forward.
What to try:
“When we talked about this before, you agreed, and now it feels like there is resistance. What feels scary or hard about following through.”
Under passive aggression, there is usually anxiety, fear, or resentment that needs to be named.
Sign 6: Backhanded compliments
What it looks like
“You finally did the dishes, I am impressed.”
“You look nice today, for a change.”
Statements that sound positive but carry a sting.
What to try:
Call out how it lands without counterattacking. “When you phrase it that way, it feels like a dig more than a compliment. I would rather you say what you really feel.”
Sign 7: Using outsiders as messengers
What it looks like
Complaining about you to friends or family instead of to you.
Kids delivering messages like “Mom said you need to be home earlier.”
Decisions are made with others that affect the marriage, but are never discussed directly.
What to try:
Keep adult conversations between adults. “If you have an issue with me, I want to hear it from you directly. I will do the same for you.”
Sign 8: Chronic victim stance
What it looks like
“Everything is always my fault, right?”
“Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”
Shifting quickly into hurt or martyrdom when you raise a concern.
What to try:
Acknowledge their pain without letting the conversation disappear.
“I hear that you feel blamed a lot. I want this to be a place where both of us can talk about our experience. Can we look at this specific situation together.”
Sign 9: Keeping score silently
What it looks like
They say “Whatever you want,” but then resent the outcome.
Bringing up a long list of past grievances when you ask for something.
You sense that they have a mental list of every mistake you have made.
What to try instead (Invite a reset):
“I get the sense you have a lot stored up from the past. I would rather hear it and work through it than keep living with this quiet tension. Can we set up time to talk through one thing at a time.”
Sign 10: Withholding affection to communicate anger
What it looks like
Pulling away from touch or sex without explanation.
Sitting apart on the couch after a disagreement with no comment.
Using distance as the only way to communicate something is wrong.
What to try
Name what you see and what you need. “When you pull away physically without telling me what is going on, I feel shut out and confused. I would rather hear ‘I am hurt and need some space tonight’ than guess.”
Why passive-aggressive conflict shows up in marriage
Passive aggression usually grows out of three things:
Fear that being honest will start a huge fight.
Belief that speaking up will not change anything.
Difficulty tolerating conflict, anger, or vulnerability.
Instead of sharing feelings directly, the hurt comes out sideways through digs, silence, or resistance. The problem is that nothing gets solved, and both partners feel more alone.
How couples counseling can help with passive-aggressive conflict
In marriage counseling, you would work on:
Making conversations safe enough that real feelings can be expressed.
Identifying the stories each partner tells themselves during conflict.
Practicing direct, respectful requests instead of indirect signals.
Understanding the deeper hurts that created the passive-aggressive pattern in the first place.
FAQ: Passive-aggressive conflict and marriage counseling
Is passive aggression as serious as yelling?
Yes. It may be quieter, but the message is still “I will not tell you what is wrong and I will not work on it with you.” Over time, that is just as damaging as loud fights.
How do I bring this up without being accused of attacking?
Focus on your experience. “When we do not talk directly, I feel alone and on edge. I want us to be able to be honest with each other, even when it is uncomfortable.”
Can online couples therapy help with passive-aggressive patterns?
Yes. Many couples actually open up more easily from home. What matters is having someone help you name the pattern and practice new communication in real time.
What if my spouse refuses counseling?
Start by changing how you respond. Set clear boundaries around silent treatment and indirect digs, and be very direct about your own feelings. Sometimes, when the dance changes on one side, the other partner realizes help is needed.
If you have any questions about passive-aggressive conflict in your marriage or whether couples counseling could help, feel free to contact me at: (410) 419-8149
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