My Husband and I Argue About Everything / My Wife and I Can’t Stop Bickering
- John Weiman
- Nov 15
- 6 min read
Updated: Nov 17
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coach in America
-Ranked by the Certified Life Coach Institute | On Thumbtack
5 Ways You and Your Spouse Can Stop Arguing
When couples tell me, “We argue about everything,” it usually sounds like this:
“We can’t get through a day without some kind of fight.”
“It’s like our home is a war zone.”
"I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at home"
“We start with something small and somehow end up talking about everything we’ve ever done wrong.”
The fights are exhausting. You say things you don’t mean. You both shut down or explode.
Then a few days later, you’re back in the same pattern.
Constant bickering is rarely about who left dishes in the sink.
Most of the time, it’s about not feeling seen, heard, or understood. The more unseen you feel, the louder you get. The louder you get, the less your partner can hear you. And around you go.
The good news is that you can change the way you fight without pretending everything is fine or stuffing down what you feel. Here are 5 ways you and your spouse can stop arguing and start feeling like you’re on the same team again.
Listen To Understand Your Partner – Submit To Understanding
The first shift is simple to say and hard to do:
Submitting to Understanding
“Submit to understanding” doesn’t mean you’re agreeing or losing.
It means you temporarily put your need to be “right” and deciding to try and understand:
Why this matters so much to them
What they’re afraid of
What this argument represents (respect, safety, freedom, feeling valued)
When conflict starts to heat up, your nervous system goes into fight/flight mode. That’s when we stop listening and start defending and fighting back. This step is important to making your partner feel:
Seen
Heard
Understood
Take a Break If Conflict Arises
Research tells us everything that’s mentioned in the first 3 minutes of the fight is important stuff. [1]If the first few minutes are full of criticism, sarcasm, and harsh tone, the rest of the conversation almost always goes badly.
So before things get ugly, don’t power through.
Take a 5-minute break, and return to tell your partner what you heard them say “NOT WHAT YOU INTERPRETED.”
Do exactly this:
Call a time-out.
Step away, breathe, walk, drink water.
Come back and say:
“Here’s what I heard you say…”
Then ask, “Did I get that right?”
You’re not surrendering your viewpoint. You’re going first in saying, “I’m willing to understand you and why you said the things you said”
Follow The “Magic Ratio” 5:1
In healthy couples, it’s not that they never fight, it’s the way they fight.
Follow the “magic ratio” 5:1.
Research shows us that in conflict, successful couples say 5 positive things for every negative thing.
That could be:
“I get why this matters to you.”
“I appreciate how hard you’re trying.”
“I know we’re on the same team.”
“I’m not against you; I just see it differently.”
Research tells us that when that ratio goes negative, it leads to divorce.
Here are some things to implement to ensure that ratio stays positive:
Acknowledge what your partner is getting right
Show appreciation, even in tense moments
Use a softer tone and language that says, “I care about us,” even when you’re upset
The goal isn’t a perfectly measured 5:1 every time. The goal is to intentionally add warmth, kindness, and reassurance back into hard conversations. As we always said:
"The goal isn't to eliminate fighting it's to fight better"
Validate Your Partner's Concerns
Most arguments don’t start because the topic is so huge. They start because someone feels dismissed, minimized, or attacked.
Validate your partner’s concerns.
Remember:
Arguments arise when a person doesn’t feel seen, heard, or understood.
When you feel ignored or invalidated, it creates distance between both partners, which inevitably leads to arguments, roommate syndrome, a sexless marriage, and ultimately divorce.
Validation doesn’t mean you’re admitting you’re wrong. It sounds like:
“I can see why that would bother you.”
“I get that this is a big deal to you, even if it’s not to me.”
“That makes sense given what you’ve been through.”
When one of you risks saying, “I can understand your side,” it lowers the tension and allows for smoother communications.
The key is to take accountability for your words.
When a partner feels heard, it improves the emotional connection between both partners. This is one of the best ways to stop an argument from getting ugly.
Hearing your partner’s concerns through their eyes.
Before being critical, consider why you’re saying what you’re saying, and how the way you phrase it affects your partner.
Ask yourself:
“If I said this the way I’m about to say it, how would it make them feel?”
“Do the words I use unintentionally/intentionally hurt them”
Often, it’s not the content of what we say that starts a fight, it’s the delivery.
Try reframing:
Instead of:
“You never listen to me.”
Try:
“When this happens, I feel ignored and unimportant, and I really want to feel closer to you.”
You’re still telling the truth, but in a way that invites connection instead of defensiveness.
Repeat What Your Partner Said Not What You Interpreted
This is one of the simplest and most powerful tools in couples work.
Repeat what your partner said, not what you interpreted.
When a partner feels heard, it improves the emotional connection between both partners. This is one of the best ways to stop an argument from getting ugly.
Try this:
Your partner talks for a couple of minutes.
You respond with:
“What I heard you say was…”
“It sounds like you feel…”
Then ask: “Did I miss anything?”
You’re not twisting their words into your story of what they “must” mean. You’re reflecting their story back to them.
At the same time, it lets both sides say their peace, without one side losing.
You both get to be heard. You both get to be real. No one has to disappear in order for the other to matter.
Marriage is a team effort, not a blame game
FAQ: Constant Arguing and Bickering in Marriage
Is it normal for couples to argue a lot?
Conflict is completely normal. What matters more than how often you argue is how you argue and whether you repair afterward. If most conversations turn into fights, someone ends up feeling attacked or unheard, or issues never really get resolved, that’s a sign the pattern needs attention.
Can we fix constant arguing without counseling?
Some couples can make big changes on their own by slowing down the first 3 minutes of a fight, taking breaks before things get ugly, and repeating what they heard their partner say instead of what they interpreted. That said, if you’ve tried to solve the issue and it hasn't worked working with a professional can speed things up and keep you from slipping into old habits.
What if my spouse shuts down or walks away when we fight?
Shutting down is usually a sign of overwhelm, not indifference. Their nervous system is flooded and they can’t take in any more. The goal is to agree on planned breaks, for example, “Let’s pause for 20 minutes and then come back so we can both listen better,” instead of storming off. That way, walking away becomes a tool to protect the relationship, not to avoid it.
What if I’m the only one who wants to stop the arguing?
You can still start. When one partner begins to listen to understand, follow the 5:1 ratio, validate concerns, and repeat what they heard instead of attacking, the dynamic often shifts. As the relationship feels a bit safer and less explosive, the other partner is more likely to soften up and join you in changing how you fight. References
You can list these at the bottom of the blog under “References”:
The Girlfriend. Are You Tired Of Bickering With Your Partner?https://www.thegirlfriend.com/relationships/are-you-tired-of-bickering-with-your-partner thegirlfriend.com
Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Five Common Ways Couples Bicker And Fuss – And Five Strategies to Stop.https://drmargaretrutherford.com/5-common-ways-couples-bicker-and-fuss-and-five-strategies-to-stop/ Dr. Margaret Rutherford
First Things First. Help! My Spouse and I Can’t Stop Fighting!https://firstthings.org/help-my-spouse-and-i-cant-stop-fighting/ First Things First
The Gottman Institute. Predicting Divorce From The First 3 Minutes of Conflict.https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-research-predicting-divorce-among-newlyweds-from-the-first-three-minutes-of-a-marital-conflict-discussion/ The Gottman Institute+1
The Gottman Institute. The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science.https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
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