How to Cure & Prevent Roommate Syndrome in Your Marriage and Relationship
- John Weiman
- Nov 19
- 5 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling and Relationship Coaching in Maryland
You can care about your spouse and still feel like you are living with a friendly stranger.
Maybe this sounds familiar:
You share a house, a bed, kids, and a calendar, but very little of your inner life.
Most conversations are about chores, kids, or work schedules.
You feel more like coworkers or parents than partners.
People often call this roommate syndrome.
It rarely shows up overnight. It grows slowly when life gets busy and the relationship runs on autopilot. The good news is that you can prevent it and even reverse it, by being very intentional with how you connect.
6 Ways To Stop Feeling Like Roommates in Your Relationship
Rituals of Connection
Rituals of connection are small, predictable ways you show up for each other.
They do not need to be romantic comedies or elaborate dates. The power comes from consistency.
Examples:
Morning coffee together at the table without phones or television
A quick check in when you come home from work
“How was your day”
“What was one thing that was stressful”
A weekly walk after dinner where you talk about something other than logistics
Rituals say, “We still matter.” They protect time for the marriage in a world that constantly pulls at you.
Choose one simple ritual to start and guard it like you would an important appointment.
Turning Toward Bids for Connection
Every day your partner sends out bids for your attention and care.
Bids can look like:
“Look at this video”
“You will not believe what my boss said today”
A sigh as they sit down
A playful comment in the kitchen
You always respond in one of three ways:
Turning toward
You look up, respond, or show curiosity.
Turning away
You say nothing, stay on your phone, or keep staring at the television.
Turning against
You snap, roll your eyes, or make a cutting remark.
Think of the relationship as an emotional bank account.
Turning toward is a deposit
Turning away is a small withdrawal
Turning against is a large withdrawal
Roommate syndrome usually appears after months or years of small or large withdrawals.
For one week, simply notice the bids your partner makes and see if you can respond to more of them with curiosity or warmth. A few seconds of attention can completely change the climate at home.
Being Intimate On Purpose
Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy feed each other.
When you are emotionally disconnected, sex often fades. When intimacy fades, you feel even more distant.
You do not have to jump straight from roommate mode to a torrid romance. Start with close, non pressured connection.
Ideas:
Sit on the same couch instead of different corners of the room
Give a full body hug when you greet or say goodbye
Hold hands while you watch a show
Share a longer kiss once a day
Talk honestly about sex when you are fully clothed and not in the middle of an attempt. Ask each other:
“What helps you feel relaxed and open to intimacy”
“What gets in the way for you”
Respect each answer. Pressure, guilt, and criticism shut down intimacy. Safety, playfulness, and patience bring it back. Often times lack of intimacy is a byproduct or symptom of roommate syndrome.
Avoiding Criticism and Stonewalling
Communication style has a huge impact on whether you feel like partners or roommates.
Two patterns are especially damaging:
Criticism
Attacking the person rather than the behavior
“You are so lazy”
“You never think of anyone but yourself”
"Can't you do anything but nag all the time?"
Over time, criticism makes your partner feel hopeless and defensive. This kind of language can easily portray that you believe you're superior or perfect while the criticized partner is left feeling dejected and alone. Which often leads to:
Stonewalling
Shutting down
Staring at the screen
Saying nothing while your partner talks
Stonewalling leaves the other person feeling abandoned and alone.
Some alternatives:
Use “I feel” and “I need” language
“I feel overwhelmed with the housework. I need us to create a plan together”
If you are overwhelmed, say so
“I care about this, and I am getting flooded. Can we take a twenty minute break and then come back”
Marriages stay alive when both people can speak honestly and stay engaged. And these habits can lead to more developed emotional connections in the relationship. Learn more about how to rebuild emotional connections in your relationship here.
Hitting Each Other’s Love Maps
Your Love Map is your mental map of your partner’s inner world.
Roommate syndrome grows when your Love Maps go out of date.
To update them, ask questions like:
“What has been stressful for you lately”
“What are you excited about this month”
“Who is someone you enjoy spending time with right now”
“Is there anything you are worried about that I might not know”
Also learn the small things that make your partner feel cared for.
For one person it might be:
Doing the dishes without being asked
Bringing a coffee home
Taking out the trash
Sending a kind text in the middle of the day
For another it might be:
Deep conversation
Thoughtful touch
Planning a date
When you know these things, you can show love in ways that actually catch the other person's attention and make them feel loved and cared for.
Honoring Each Other’s Dreams
Behind many conflicts is an unspoken dream.
A dream for career or purpose
A dream for the kind of parent they want to be
A dream for where and how to live
A dream for adventure or stability
Roommate syndrome often appears when one or both partners quietly abandon important dreams and start to feel unseen.
A few questions to open this up:
“What is a dream you once had that you miss”
“What do you hope life looks like five or ten years from now”
“Is there a small step I could support that would move you closer to that dream”
You may not share all of the same dreams, and that is all right. What matters is that you treat each dream with respect.
When people feel that their spouse is on their side with their deeper hopes, the marriage moves out of survival mode and back into partnership. Dreams are actually one of the most underrated aspect of marriage health, and honoring each others dreams is critical to keeping a healthy marriage. Most people in unhealthy relationships tell me "I gave up on that a long time ago." But when one side gives up on their dream and the other side doesn't, it causes resentment to build up.
When to Reach Out for Help
You can try these tools on your own, and many couples do see a shift.
Consider professional help when:
You feel more like roommates than partners most days
You have been emotionally or physically distant for months or years
Every attempt to talk about these issues turns into a fight or shutdown
There has been betrayal, deep hurt, or trauma that you cannot repair alone
Getting guidance does not mean your marriage has failed. It means you care enough to give it focused attention. Every Relationship is different but no one is hopeless!
References
Blunt Therapy – Roommate Phase of a Relationshiphttps://www.blunt-therapy.com/roommate-phase-of-a-relationship/
Marriage Ada – Roommate Syndromehttps://marriageada.org/intimate-relationships/roommate-syndrome/
Oliver Drakeford Therapy – Roommate Syndromehttps://www.oliverdrakefordtherapy.com/roommate
The Everygirl – Roommate Syndromehttps://theeverygirl.com/roommate-syndrome/ The Modest Man – Prevent Roommate Syndrome in Marriagehttps://www.themodestman.com/prevent-roommate-syndrome-in-marriage/
Therapy When Life Sucks – Best Ways to Avoid Roommate Syndromehttps://www.therapywhenlifesucks.com/blog/best-ways-to-avoid-the-roommate-syndrome
Jessica Hunt LCSW – Break Free from Roommate Syndromehttps://www.jessicahuntlcsw.com/blog/10-steps-to-break-free-from-roommate-syndrome-in-your-relationship
Chappell Therapy – Roommate Syndrome and Couples Therapyhttps://chappelltherapy.com/roommate-syndrome-couples-therapy-can-help-nip-it-in-the-bud/
MN Couples Counseling – Roommate Syndromehttps://www.mncouplescounseling.com/blog/roommate-syndrome/
Therapy When Life Sucks – Best Ways to Avoid Roommate Syndromehttps://www.therapywhenlifesucks.com/blog/best-ways-to-avoid-the-roommate-syndrome