How To Fix Constant Infidelity Issues In Your Relationship
- John Weiman
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling and Relationship Coaching in Maryland
When affairs happen once, it is devastating.
When cheating becomes a pattern, many couples feel completely lost.
Couples usually say:
“This is the third time. I feel stupid for staying.”
“I promised I would change, and then I did it again.”
“We keep trying to move on, and it keeps happening.”
If infidelity keeps showing up in your relationship, something deeper is not being addressed.
That does not automatically mean the relationship must end, but it does mean you cannot just “try harder” and hope this time will be different.
Below is a simple framework that I, and other marriage counselors, use for repeated infidelity. Think of it as a path:
Atonement
Let Everything Out
Full Transparency
Actionable Change
Refine
Reattach.
Top 6 Steps To Break The Cycle Of Repeated Infidelity
Atonement
This is more than “I am sorry.” Atonement means the partner who cheated fully acknowledges the impact of their choices without excuses.
That includes:
Owning the betrayal instead of blaming the other partner or circumstances.
Accepting that your spouse’s trust is shattered and they are not “overreacting.”
Showing remorse through actions, not just words.
If you are the unfaithful partner, this is the point where you stop saying:
“yes, but…”
“I cheated, but I was lonely.”
“I cheated, but you were distant.”
The loneliness or distance might be real issues to talk about later. Right now, atonement is about taking full responsibility for crossing the line.
Let out everything
Affairs thrive in secrecy. Healing requires truth.
This does not mean dumping every graphic detail. It does mean that:
You answer reasonable questions honestly.
You give a clear timeline of what happened.
You address your spouse’s biggest fears instead of dodging them.
If you keep “small” secrets:
“We only text sometimes now.”
“We bumped into each other and talked for a bit, that's all.”
You are continuing the betrayal.
Letting everything out also means the betrayed partner has space to express:
Rage
Grief
Confusion
Humiliation
Without being told to “get over it” or “move on already.”
Be completely transparent
For trust to be rebuilt, your life has to become much more open for a while.
That can look like:
Sharing passwords for phones and social media, if both of you agree that helps.
Letting your partner know where you are and who you are with.
Being proactive about checking in instead of waiting to be questioned.
Transparency is about proving, over and over, that there is no more secret life running alongside your marriage.
Actionable change inside the marriage
Apologies and transparency are not enough if nothing inside the relationship changes.
Both partners need to look at questions like:
What was happening in our relationship before the affair
What needs were ignored, numbed, or avoided
What topics became off-limits
How did we handle conflict, loneliness, or disconnection
Then you build concrete changes, such as:
Scheduling regular time to talk about the relationship.
Working on intimacy, not just sex, but emotional closeness.
Learning better ways to handle conflict so you are not turning to someone else for comfort or escape.
This might mean regular marriage counseling or couples work to rebuild communication and connection.
Refine the new pattern over time
Early on, you will stumble. There will be triggers, setbacks, and arguments that look like the old pattern.
Refining the new pattern means:
Looking at what worked and what did not each week.
Adjusting boundaries when you notice new problem areas.
Staying open to feedback from your partner about what still feels unsafe.
For example:
Maybe you thought you could stay in contact with certain coworkers or friends, but your spouse’s nervous system cannot relax while that door is open. Refinement might mean tightening those boundaries further.
You are not aiming for perfection. You are aiming for consistent progress and honesty.
Re attach
If both of you decide to stay and do the work, there is a point where you are not just surviving the affair anymore. You are building a new relationship on purpose.
Re-attaching looks like:
Choosing to be emotionally present again with each other instead of only talking about the betrayal.
Slowly rebuilding physical intimacy at a pace that feels safe for both of you.
Creating new rituals and memories that do not include the affair.
Developing a shared story of what happened and why you are still together.
Some couples I work with in Baltimore and online eventually say:
“We would never wish this on anyone, but we are more honest and connected now than we were before.”
That does not erase the pain, but it shows that healing is possible when both people do the work.
When you should consider ending instead of rebuilding
Not every situation can or should be repaired. You may need to consider separation or ending the relationship if:
The affair will not end, and the unfaithful partner refuses to cut contact.
There is ongoing lying even during counseling.
There is emotional or physical abuse.
One or both partners clearly state they are done and have no interest in doing the work.
Staying is not always the brave choice. Sometimes leaving is. Counseling can help you sort out which is which for your specific situation.
If you have any questions about repeated infidelity or rebuilding trust, feel free to call me anytime at: (410) 419-8149
I work with couples in person in the Baltimore, Maryland area and online across the United States who are trying to decide whether to repair after betrayal or let go.
FAQ
How many times is “too many” when it comes to affairs?
There is no magic number, but patterns matter more than counting incidents. If someone keeps cheating, keeps lying, and refuses to engage in real change, that is information you cannot ignore. Counseling can help you see the pattern clearly and decide what you are willing to live with.
Can trust ever really come back?
Trust is rebuilt more through consistent behavior than through big moments. Over time, if you see honesty, reliability, and genuine care, trust can grow again. It usually feels different than before. It is more realistic and more aware, but it can still be solid.
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