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My Wife and I Stopped Being Intimate, How Do We Change It

  • Writer: John Weiman
    John Weiman
  • Nov 19
  • 4 min read

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, and Couples Therapy in Maryland


My Wife and I Stopped Being Intimate – How Do We Change It Best Marriage Counseling and Couples Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland and Nationwide Couples Therapy John Weiman

Few topics carry as much pain and shame as sexless or low intimacy marriage.

You might be here because:

  • You cannot remember the last time you had sex

  • One of you wants intimacy and the other seems indifferent or anxious

  • Attempts to talk about sex blow up or shut down

This does not mean your relationship is doomed. It does mean your marriage is asking for care and honesty.

First, let us look at why couples often stop being intimate. Then we will walk through ways to begin repairing both emotional and physical connection.

Top 10 Reasons Couples Stop Being Intimate


When you feel more like partners in a business than a couple, sex often starts to feel out of place or even uncomfortable.

Arguments about money, in laws, or parenting that never truly resolve can create an emotional wall. Touch then feels unsafe or fake.

If one person initiates and repeatedly hears “no” without any warmth or explanation, shame builds. Eventually they stop reaching out, and both people feel unwanted.

4. Stress and exhaustion

Work, childcare, health struggles, and constant obligations drain energy. Intimacy becomes the last thing on the list rather than a source of comfort.

5. Mismatched desire that is never discussed

Almost every couple has differences in desire. When those differences are treated as a character flaw instead of a puzzle to solve together, resentment grows and sex declines.

6. Physical or mental health issues

Pain, hormonal changes, medications, depression, anxiety, trauma, and body image concerns can all affect desire and comfort.

Pornography, sexting, or emotional affairs may pull sexual energy away from the marriage and leave the other partner feeling inadequate or betrayed.

8. Loss of admiration and respect

It is hard to want to be physically close when you feel criticized, mocked, or dismissed in daily life.

9. Boredom and lack of playfulness

If intimacy looks exactly the same every time for years, many people disconnect mentally even when they show up physically.

10. Fear of vulnerability

Sex involves being seen, both physically and emotionally. If vulnerability has not gone well in other areas, it makes sense that the body would shut down.

9 Ways To Start Repairing Intimacy in Your Relationship

You do not need to tackle all of these at once. Even one or two shifts can make a difference.


1. Start with emotional safety

Before techniques or positions, focus on how you treat each other.

  • Reduce criticism, contempt, and sarcasm

  • Increase appreciation and kindness

  • Apologize sincerely for past hurts

Safety is the soil where desire can grow again.

2. Have an honest conversation about your sex life

Choose a calm time. No attempt at sex that night. Say something like:

  • “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about what is going on for each of us with intimacy”

Then ask open questions:

  • “What has sex felt like for you lately”

  • “What makes you more open to intimacy”

  • “What makes it harder for you”

Your job is to listen and reflect, not persuade.


3. Rebuild everyday affection

Many couples jump straight from no touch to pressure filled sex attempts. Instead, rebuild non sexual affection.

  • Hugs that last longer than a second

  • Holding hands in public or at home

  • Sitting close on the couch

Let your bodies remember that touch can be safe and pleasant.


4. Update each other’s inner world and Love Maps

Your Love Map is your mental map of your partner’s inner world.

Sexless marriages grow when your Love Maps go out of date.

To update them, ask questions like:

  • “What has been stressful for you lately”

  • “What are you excited about this month”

  • “Who is someone you enjoy spending time with right now”

  • “Is there anything you are worried about that I might not know”

Also learn the small things that make your partner feel cared for.


When you feel known and emotionally connected, physical intimacy begins to feel more natural again.


5. Talk openly about desire differences

Rather than “you are too much” or “you are too cold,” explore together:

  • Times when desire has felt stronger for each of you

  • Situations that increase or decrease interest

  • Ways to stay physically connected even when not in the mood for full sex

You can then figure out a rhythm that respects both people.


6. Address health and trauma factors directly

If pain, medical conditions, or trauma are involved, involve appropriate professionals.

  • Talk with a medical provider about physical pain or hormonal concerns

  • Consider individual therapy for trauma or deep shame

Physical and psychological safety are foundations, not luxuries.


7. Create a shared vision for your intimate life

Ask each other:

  • “If our intimate life felt really good in a few years, what would be true”

Listen for themes:

  • Warmth

  • Playfulness

  • Spiritual connection

  • Adventure

Look for overlap and aim for that shared picture, even in small ways.


8. Nourish the rest of your life together

Shared laughter, new experiences, and meaningful conversations all support intimacy.

  • Try a new activity together

  • Take a small trip if possible

  • Work on shared projects that have nothing to do with sex

When you enjoy each other again, desire usually has more room to rise.


9. Ask for skilled help when you feel stuck

Long standing intimacy issues are rarely about one simple change.

Couples therapy or coaching can help you:

  • Talk about sex without blame or shame

  • Understand patterns that shut desire down

  • Learn structured exercises for increasing emotional and physical closeness

You do not need to wait until the situation feels hopeless. The earlier you seek support, the easier it is to turn things around.

References

Gottman Institute – Ten Ways To Rekindle Passion in Marriagehttps://www.gottman.com/blog/10-ways-rekindle-passion-marriage/

Verywell Mind – How To Reclaim Intimacy Through Somatic Healinghttps://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-reclaim-intimacy-through-somatic-healing-8606196

Verywell Mind – Emotionally Focused Therapy for Distressed Coupleshttps://www.verywellmind.com/emotionally-focused-therapy-for-distressed-couples-2303813

 
 
 

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