What Are The Ultimate Red Flags For Marriage Therapy? / How to Know If Our Marital Problems Warrant Professional Help?
- John Weiman
- Nov 19
- 5 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | Marriage counseling in Baltimore, Maryland and nationwide online
A lot of couples ask me some version of:
“Is it really that bad? Do we actually need marriage counseling, or is this just normal?”
It is easy to downplay your pain, especially if you tell yourself:
“At least we are not as bad as that couple.”
“Everyone fights.”
“It will get better when things calm down.”
Some conflict is normal and some conflicts are perpetual. But there are also clear red flags that your marriage needs professional help now, not later.
After more than 15 years in couples therapy and marriage counseling, here is how I think about those red flags.
Not Every Fight Is a Red Flag
Let’s start here: all couples disagree.
You can love each other deeply and still:
Argue about money
Disagree about parenting
Have mismatched needs around sex or time together
A red flag is not “we argued last night.” A red flag is when:
The fights feel unsafe, or
The same painful patterns happen over and over, or
One or both of you have essentially given up.
12 Red Flags The Might Mean Your Relationship Needs Help
The Four Horsemen: Research Backed Red Flags
The Gottman Method describes four communication patterns that strongly predict relationship breakdown. I see them constantly in couples who wait too long to get help too.
1. Criticism
Criticism attacks your partner’s character instead of focusing on a specific behavior.
“You are so lazy.”
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”
“You are such a bad parent.”
Over time, criticism teaches your partner, “No matter what I do, I am not good enough.” And it also starts to imply that you're perfect and they're flawed.
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is like a knee jerk reaction to criticism.
“I only did that because you…”
“What about when you…”
“It is not my fault.”
Instead of taking any responsibility, you counter attack. Nothing gets resolved, and the conflict escalates.
3. Contempt
Contempt is the most dangerous of the four.
It shows up as:
Eye rolling
Mocking
Sarcasm meant to wound
Calling names
Talking down to your partner
The message of contempt is, “I am better than you.” Research shows it is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and even of health problems. Contempt is a seriously big red flag, and one that unfortunately doesn't get caught early enough by most couples.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down and checks out.
Going silent mid argument
Walking away and refusing to come back
Staring at the TV or phone while your partner cries or yells
Saying “whatever” and disengaging completely
Stonewalling often comes from feeling overwhelmed, but the impact is that your partner feels abandoned and alone.
If these four patterns are regular guests in your relationship, it is a serious warning sign. Now the severity of each of these signs can vary, but the truth of the matter is that the earlier you catch these signs the better your chances of staying together!
11 Red Flags That Might Mean Your Relationship Needs Counseling.
Ongoing or Repeated Infidelity
One affair is a crisis. Multiple affairs or ongoing secret contact are a major red flag.
Without serious work, the pattern usually continues, and trust erodes to the point where the relationship cannot recover. Find out how a relationship can recover from infidelity here.
Emotional or Physical Abuse or Fear at Home
If you feel physically unsafe, are being threatened, shoved, hit, or controlled, this is an immediate red flag.
Emotional abuse can include:
Constant belittling
Isolation from friends or family
Controlling money or movements
Threatening self harm or harm to you
Safety comes first. Couples counseling might not be the first step; individual support and safety planning may be.
Chronic Stonewalling and Emotional Shutdown
If one partner has essentially stopped participating in the relationship:
No communication
No affection
No interest in addressing problems
…then the marriage is in serious trouble. You cannot fix a relationship when one person has checked out completely.
Many couples go through a “roommate phase.” The red flag version is when:
There is almost no physical or emotional intimacy,
No one is making sincere efforts to change it, and
Both of you are quietly giving up.
Constant High Escalation Where Fights Feel Unsafe
If every disagreement turns into:
Yelling
Slamming doors
Threats to leave or hurt each other
Name calling and character attacks
…your nervous systems are telling you this is not sustainable. Kids living in that environment are at higher risk of anxiety, depression, and relationship problems later.
Addiction and Secretive Behavior
Untreated addiction to substances, gambling, pornography, or other compulsive behaviors often comes with lying, hiding, and broken promises.
Marriage counseling can help, but usually only when the addiction itself is being addressed seriously.
Serious Talk of Separation, Divorce, or Moving Out
Everyone occasionally thinks, “I cannot do this forever.” When it becomes frequent talk, written plans, or visits to a lawyer, that is a red flag.
Sometimes counseling helps you rebuild. Other times it helps you separate more peacefully. Either way, you need a guide.
Kids Being Pulled Into Conflicts
Red flags include:
Asking kids to take sides
Venting about the other parent to your children
Using kids as messengers or spies
Fighting intensely in front of them
Kids are resilient, but they are not immune. They are learning what love looks like from you.
One or Both Partners Emotionally Checking Out
You may not be fighting, but:
You no longer care enough to argue
You fantasize about a different life more than you imagine repairing this one
You feel numb when your partner is upset
That level of detachment is a serious sign that it is time to get help if you want any chance of rebuilding.
How Many Red Flags Mean “Now”?
Simple rule:
If one or two of these apply occasionally, pay attention and consider making changes soon.
If several are present regularly, it is time to seek help now.
If there is abuse, active affairs, or serious addiction, do not wait. Get professional support immediately.
How Marriage Counseling Can Help With These Red Flags
Thoughtful counseling can:
Increase safety. Set clear boundaries and rules of engagement so no one is being harmed.
Reduce the Four Horsemen. Replace criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling with healthier patterns.
Guide affair recovery. Stabilize the crisis, end outside contact, and decide whether to rebuild or separate.
Clarify decisions. Sometimes the outcome is recommitment; sometimes it is a well supported separation. Both are better than staying stuck in misery.
FAQ
Is it a red flag if only one of us wants counseling?
Not necessarily. It does not mean hope is gone, but it does mean something is off. You can start individually, and many reluctant partners become more open once they see changes from one side. However it might mean there's another reason why your partner is adverse to counseling.
What if my spouse promises to change without therapy?
Some people can follow through on that. Many cannot, especially if the patterns are long standing. If you have heard the same promises many times without seeing lasting change, it is wise to involve a professional.
Can counseling make things worse if we are already fragile?
Good counseling should protect you from re injury. On some occasions it might feel more intense at first because you are finally talking honestly, but the goal is to create safety, clarity, and tools, not just stir the pot.
References Carolina Counseling Services – Marriage Counseling: 7 Telltale Signs You Need Ithttps://carolinacounselingservices.com/marriage-counseling-7-telltale-signs-you-need-it/
Focus on the Family – How to Know When Your Marriage Is in Troublehttps://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/how-to-know-when-your-marriage-is-in-trouble/
Connections Family Center – 8 Signs You Need to Visit a Marriage Counselorhttps://connectionsfamilycenter.com/how-to-know-if-you-need-to-visit-a-marriage-counselor-8-signs/
Grow Therapy – Signs You Need Marriage Counselinghttps://growtherapy.com/blog/signs-you-need-marriage-counseling/