My Partner and I Feel Emotionally Distant... What Do We Do?

John Weiman
Nov 14
4 min read

Updated: Nov 17

Top 5 reasons you and your spouse feel emotionally distant (and how to fix them)

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coach in America - Ranked by the Certified Life Coach Institute | On Thumbtack

Marriage is a team effort. And when spouses have different opinions, perspectives, habits, and needs, differences arise that cause conflict and emotional withdrawal. The conversations are about kids, work, and logistics. Maybe you’ve even caught yourself thinking, “We’re basically roommates who share bills.” Here are some ways to combat emotional withdrawal and help eliminate "roommate syndrome." Why You Might Feel Emotionally Distant Emotional distance occurs over time. Accumulated through moments of:

Not feeling heard.
Not feeling safe bringing up issues.
Not feeling connected.

Stress, financial pressure, parenting, and daily routines can cause an invisible wall between partners which starts to make people feel like roommates that live "parallel lives."[1] [2] Over time, shutting down and keeping to yourself tends to become the new norm. The best part is that with small intentional changes (and a sprinkle of effort) your marriage can go from roommates to feeling like you're in the honeymoon phase.

In my 15+ years in Marriage Coaching and Relationship Counseling, here are the top reasons I see emotional distance show up, and some steps you can start doing this week to change it:

Top 5 reasons for emotional withdrawal and roommate syndrome

Frequent miscommunication

The story we tell ourselves is not our friend. Emotionally distant couples that have a critical outlook on their partner usually tend to have poor communication. This means imagining that the other person is out to get them.

Think things like:

"She would never want to do this"
"He would never like that"
"Why would she ever do that for me"

This is different from arguing, because negative speech and thoughts about your partner can easily lead to emotional withdrawal from one or more sides.

Being critical

Saying your critique in a way that your partner can hear it. Saying your criticisms like "You never help me clean the house" frames the critique into an attack rather than a constructive benefit. This makes it sound like you're saying:

"I'm perfect and you're defective."[4]

Consistently being critical leads to emotional withdrawal in the relationship. You end up thinking you're perfect... Alone.

Being defensive

This usually happens in response to a critique instead of getting defensive, saying something like "It's your fault too" in response to a critique that came off as an attack is normal... However, this leads to both sides fighting in a non-constructive way rather than a constructive way. Both sides slowly drift away from one another until there's very little emotional connection.

Eroded trust

Loss of trust might be causing withdrawal, and infidelity isn't the only form of betrayal; smaller betrayals add up over time like:

Poor financial decisions
Keeping secrets from one another,
Breaking small promises
Forgetting important occasions

Any of these are betrayals, and can all lead to emotional withdrawal over time.

Frequent and perpetual conflict

Frequent conflict occurs when each partner doesn't feel seen, heard, or understood. This leads to fighting over the same issues over and over and over again. This perpetual conflict leads to one or both partners shutting down, leading to emotional withdrawal. These couples tend to agree with these statements:

"We've been arguing about the same thing for 10 years"
"Anything we talk about turns into a fight"

How to combat the emotional withdrawal in the relationship and stop feeling like roommates!

Avoiding miscommunication

The story we tell ourselves is not our friend. Try to maintain a positive outlook on your partner, even if it seems hard to do so, and always communicate in an open fashion that isn't critical over behavioral changes. Instead of thinking "He/She's so lazy they never help me out," try and work things out before they bottle up and explode. [3]

How to stop being critical

Saying your critique in a way that your partner can hear it.

Instead of:

"You never help me clean the house."

Try:

"I appreciate you helping me clean the house, because it makes me feel like we're partners. And I want to be a better partner for you."

This reframes the critique is a positive way, while also allowing for an emotional connection to be made from the critique rather than getting a negative reaction.

Stop getting defensive

Taking Responsibility and Accountability for your own behavior...

Without using the words:

"yeah but"
"but you"

In response to a critique, instead of getting defensive... Saying something like:

"You've asked me several times for help cleaning, and I have not done so. I need to do a better job of that."

This is a good way to remain emotionally connected and validated even in an argument. Arguments are inevitable, so being able to fight BETTER is key.

Rebuild trust

Trust is a very hard thing to fix, but it isn't impossible. The best thing you can do to fix small breaks in trust is to just keep your word.

Managing perpetual conflicts

The key to this that most couples don't know is that arguments are almost inevitable, so the key is to fight healthier. Check out our blog on how to deal with constant arguments! How to deal with perpetual arguments (coming soon)