Silent Warning Signs Your Marriage Is in Trouble

John Weiman
Nov 19
4 min read

By John Weiman, Life Bridge Coaching | Marriage counseling in Baltimore, Maryland and online across the US

Silent Warning Signs Your Marriage Is in Trouble | Marriage Counseling and Couples Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland.

Some couples tell me:

“We hardly ever fight. We just… do not talk about anything real.”

On the outside, things look calm. Inside, there is:

Tension you can feel
Topics you never touch
A quiet fear that if you say what you really feel, everything might fall apart

Avoiding tough conversations might feel like keeping the peace, but over time it becomes one of the silent warning signs that a relationship is in trouble.

Let’s talk about what this looks like and what you can do.

What Avoiding Tough Conversations Looks Like Day to Day

You might recognize some of these:

Changing the subject whenever money, sex, parenting, or in laws come up.
Keeping secrets instead of sharing discomfort.
Saying “it is fine” when it is absolutely not fine.
Venting to friends, coworkers, or family instead of to each other.
Laughing serious comments off as “just jokes.”

Nothing explodes, but nothing gets resolved either.

Why Conversation Avoidance Is a Serious Warning Sign

Avoidance feels safer in the short term, but it carries a cost.

Resentment builds in the dark. Unspoken frustrations turn into stories like “they do not care” or “I am alone in this.”
Problems get more expensive and painful over time. Avoiding a small money talk can lead to major debt. Avoiding a conflict about boundaries can lead to an affair.
It increases the risk of emotional or physical affairs. When you do not feel heard at home, it is easier to start opening up to someone else.
Kids pick up on the tension. Even if you never fight in front of them, children sense distance, coldness, and unspoken anger.

Silence can be just as damaging as shouting. It just does its damage quietly.

Subtle Signs Your Relationship Might Be Failing

Here are a few quiet signals I see often in couples who come in late:

You feel more comfortable opening up to other people than to your spouse.
You fantasize about leaving more than you imagine repairing.
You dread “quality time” because it might force real talk.
You feel unknown or misread by your partner, as if they only know the surface version of you.
Big topics like sex, money, faith, or future plans are permanently off limits.

If several of these are true, your relationship is asking for attention. To learn about major red flags that might mean your relationship needs couples therapy click here

4 Ways to Start Tough Conversations More Safely in Your Relationship

The goal is not to dump years of resentment on the table at once. The goal is to start talking honestly in ways your relationship can handle.

1. Choose Calm Times and Clear Topics

Do not start big talks:

Right before bed
In the middle of a fight
When someone is rushing out the door

Instead, say:

“There is something important I would like to talk about. When would be a good time for us?”

Pick one topic at a time.

2. Use Soft Startup and “I Feel / I Need” Language

Compare:

“You never help with the kids. You are so selfish.”
“I have been feeling overwhelmed. I need us to come up with a plan together.”

Soft startup makes it more likely your partner can hear the message rather than just defending against the tone.

3. Agree on Time Limits and Breaks

Sometimes tough conversations get overwhelming. That is normal.

You can say:

“Let’s talk about this for twenty minutes and then take a break.”
“If either of us gets flooded, we will pause and come back in half an hour.”

This reassures both nervous systems that you are not going to get trapped in an endless battle.

4. Focus on Listening Rather Than Winning

Most couples listen just long enough to reload their next point.

Try this instead:

One person talks for a few minutes.
The other person reflects back what they heard:
- “What I hear you saying is…”
Then ask, “Did I get that right, or did I miss anything?”

Feeling heard does not mean you agree. It means you are finally in the same conversation.

When It Is Time to Get Professional Help

Consider couples therapy when:

Every attempt to talk becomes a blow up or a shutdown.
One partner refuses any deeper conversation, ever.
Important issues like sex, money, parenting, or addiction are off limits.
You are considering separation or divorce but cannot talk about it without chaos.
You have already started confiding more in someone outside the marriage.

You do not have to wait until a crisis. In fact, the earlier you get help, the easier it is to repair.

FAQ

What if my partner says they hate conflict and will not talk?

Many people learned that conflict equals danger. Counseling can give them a safer experience of conflict and show that being honest does not automatically end in disaster.

If they absolutely refuse, you can still start individual work to get support and clarity.

Can we do individual work first if one of us is not ready?

Yes. Individual therapy or coaching can help you:

Clarify what you feel and need
Learn healthier ways to bring things up
Set boundaries around what you will and will not live with

Often, when one person starts changing how they show up, the other becomes more open to joint sessions.

How often should couples have serious check ins?

It depends on the couple, but many find that a weekly or biweekly check in prevents issues from piling up. It does not have to be heavy every time; it just has to be honest.