How to Bring Back Intimacy When You Feel Like Roommates?

John Weiman
Nov 15
6 min read

Updated: Nov 17

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching

Gottman-trained Marriage Coach | 15+ years helping couples reconnect

You can love your spouse and still be completely disconnected.

Any of these sound familiar:

You share a house, a bed, kids, and a calendar… But that's about it.

You’re “fine” but there isn't any intimacy or spark in the marriage.

It feels more like you’re roommates or partners running a small business together than a couple.

On top of that, you’ve stopped being physically intimate, or you’re having sex so rarely that it feels like it doesn’t really exist in your marriage anymore. That combination of roommate syndrome and sexless marriage is one of the most common (and painful) patterns I see in my practice.

The good news: intimacy doesn’t vanish overnight, BUT it also doesn’t come back overnight. Intentional changes are needed to rebuild emotional connection first.

Here Are The Top 5 Reasons Couples Stop Being Intimate:

Turning Away (or Against) Your Partner’s Bids for Connection

Every day, your partner makes what are called “bids” for connection:

“There’s a good movie on tonight.”
“You won’t believe what happened at work.”
“I’m really tired today.”

But the way you reply to each bid matters a lot more than you might think:

Turning toward:

“Oh yeah? What movie?”
“What happened?”
“You look exhausted, what’s going on?”

Turning away:

Saying nothing, buried in your phone. Or completely ignoring your partner.

Turning against:

“I’m too busy to watch some stupid movie.”
“You’re always tired.”

Think of your partner’s emotional world as an “emotional bank account.”

When you turn toward a bid, you make a deposit.
When you turn away or turn against, you make a withdrawal.
Turning against is a much bigger withdrawal than turning away.

This leads to less emotional connection and ultimately a sexless marriage...

Focusing On Your Own Life

Independence is fine, but taking too much time for your own ventures can easily lead to a broken marriage with no emotional connection or intimacy.

Working too much
Going out by yourself
Spending time with your friends rather than your partner

When one partner focuses too much on themselves and not their partner, emotional distance forms and ultimately, sexless marriages arise.

Career or Family Distractions

While this is similar to the focusing on your own life... There are some key difference to point out. A big trend many couples seem to follow is when couples have children, they tend to become mom and dad, more than husband and wife. Common Patterns include:

Working too much at your job
Focusing more on the kids than the marriage

An important thing to note is that just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't be intimate. This shift in focus causes emotional distancing which as a result means less intimacy between partners.

Unresolved Conflict

Leaving unresolved conflicts on the table is pretty common, but it also creates emotional distancing.

However the key thing to note is:

Most Conflict Is Unresolvable

Which leads to a perpetual cycle of consistently arguing about the same things. Failing to properly manage arguments is a major cause of sexless marriages. And these issues lead to more and more emotional distancing, which many couples I counsel deal with.

Broken Dreams

This might sound childish or cliche, but this is one of the most important aspects of marriage

Typically, when asking partners what the other’s dream is, on more than one occasion, one or both partners say:

"I gave up on that a long time ago"

This is one of the biggest causes of divorce, intimacy loss, and arguing in general. This leads to unspoken resentment, which doesn’t just negatively affect intimacy but all aspects of marriage, too.

5 Best Fixes For Sexless Marriages and Roommate Syndrome:

Recognizing Your Partner's Bids For Connection

Start paying attention to the small ways your partner reaches out:

Comments
Jokes
Sighs
Questions
“Look at this” moments

Turn towards them rather than away

For example:

If your partner says, “I’m really tired"

Turning towards that bid would be:

“Asking them why”

Turning against that bid would be saying:

“You’re always tired”

Couples who turn towards each other’s bids 86% of the time, are very happy BUT couples who turn towards each other’s bids only 33% of the time divorce.

Establish Rituals Of Connection

Rituals are intentional moments and attempts to show up for each other.

Examples:

Morning coffee together with no phones or TV
A 10–15 minute walk after dinner
Exercising together before or after work

The point is this is intentional time.

You create connection by carving out consistent, protected time to be more than parents, coworkers, or roommates. And by having these moments you eliminate the emotional distance caused by just focusing on yourself.

Prioritize the Marriage

Getting together once a week for an hour and talking about your marriage is a great thing to do. Here's an exercise I prescribe to some of my patients:

Take an hour and split it up into 2 half hour sessions.
The first partner talks for the first 30 minutes, the second partner talks for the second 30 minutes.
And for the first 15 minutes talk about what went well that week, and for the second 15 minutes talk what you would like to see improve.

2. In addition to this creating Shared Moments is another thing you can do:

Making memories together
From something as simple as sharing your favorite food to going on a big trip together

Creating memories re-establishes emotional connection and rekindles lost intimacy too!

Hitting Each Other’s Love Maps is also a huge part of the equation:

Learning about what makes your partner feel loved is critical to this step, and it could be absolutely anything too.

For example:

Taking the trash might make your partner feel loved because it makes them feel like you’re thinking of their wellbeing by doing it for them.

Everyone’s love map is different, coming together and talking about what makes you both feel loved is essential to any marriage.

Submitting to Understanding

69% of all conflicts are unresolvable so figuring out how to manage conflicts
Working together to submit to understanding each other
Take breaks if conflict arises
Following the “magic ratio” 5:1
Validate your partner’s concerns
Repeat what your partner said, not what you interpreted

For more info on submitting to understanding check our blog about it here

Talk About Your Dreams

While both sides might not share the same dreams, honoring each other’s dreams is essential to having a healthy and emotionally connected marriage.

Here's my own story:

“When I first started my practice, I couldn’t afford an office, and my girlfriend (now my wife) offered to let me use her living room.”

And when I asked her why, she said,

“You said it was your dream to be a marriage counselor. I want you to have your dream!”

Making each other's dream come true is essential to an emotional connection and a healthy marriage. It might sound childish, but honoring dreams can be the difference between a divorce and a healthy marriage, with everything else being the exact same.

Asking your partner a simple: "What is your dream?" can go a long way for intimacy and emotional connection.

When to Get Help:

If you:

Haven’t been intimate in months (or years)
Feel more like roommates than partners
Can’t talk about sex without shame, shutdown, or a fight
Are carrying a lot of hurt, resentment, or betrayal

It might be hard to fix this entirely on your own.

That doesn’t mean you’re broken. But sometimes it does take outside help to guide a marriage back to being healthy. Before booking a session with anyone ensure you talk to the professional before and you're comfortable with them!

FAQ:

Is it normal to go through a sexless phase?

Yes. Many couples go through sexless or low-intimacy seasons, especially during stressful life periods. It’s a sign your relationship needs more intentional and careful attention, not a sign that it's over.

Where do we start if this all feels overwhelming?

Pick one small change: a daily 10-minute check-in, a weekly walk, or simply turning toward more bids for connection. Small changes, done consistently, matter more than 1 big marriage overhaul.

What if only one of us wants to work on intimacy?

One person can still start. When you show up differently, turning towards bids for connection, talking about the marriage once a week, or trying to make the change yourself. It often changes the dynamic enough that your partner becomes more willing to join the process.