Top 10 Signs Your Marriage Needs Counseling (Before It’s Too Late)

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | 15+ years | 4,000+ couples | Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Baltimore Maryland or Nationwide

I’ve been a marriage coach for a long time, and, after working with more than 4,000 couples, these are the top 10 signs I see that a marriage may need counseling.

If several of these sound like you, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed, but it might be time to explore some options...

1. You’re Feeling Like Roommates More Than Partners

Roommate syndrome looks like:

• You each live your own lives under the same roof.

• Most conversations are about logistics: kids, bills, schedules.

• You’re on your phones or laptops more than you’re looking at each other.

• You can go days without any real emotional or physical connection.
  

A big trigger for this is when you become “Mom and Dad” more than partners. Everything revolves around the kids, and the marriage gets whatever scraps of energy are left.

When your marriage feels like a business partnership or roommate situation, that’s a strong sign it needs intentional attention and probably professional help.

2. You’re Stuck in Never-Ending Fights

Every relationship has conflict. But if:

• You’re arguing about everything.

• The same fights repeat with no resolution (fights and arguments are different).

• Small disagreements escalate into character attacks.
  

…then the way you’re fighting is hurting your marriage.

Here’s something most people don’t know:

Some arguments are perpetual. 

Research shows that a large percentage of marital conflicts are unresolvable, and they’re rooted in:

• Personality differences

• Values

• Long-term preferences

The goal of counseling isn’t to erase conflict; it’s to get better at managing conflict in the relationship so it no longer controls your lives. When every disagreement feels like a war, it’s time to get help. Want to learn how to minimize perpetual conflict? Click here to learn how to fight better as a couple.

3. There’s Zero Intimacy

Sex doesn’t define a marriage, but completely sexless or low-touch marriages are usually in trouble.

Zero intimacy often shows up alongside roommate syndrome:

• You can’t remember the last time you flirted.

• Hugs and kisses feel awkward or rare.

• One or both of you feels rejected and unwanted.

• Any sexual conversation ends in shutdown or a fight.
  

Intimacy doesn’t come back by pressuring each other into bed. It comes back by rebuilding your emotional connection, often with guidance from a neutral party, or someone who can help you both come to clear middle-ground.

4. You Feel No Emotional Connection

Sometimes the problem isn’t just physical. It’s the feeling of:

• “We don’t talk like we used to.”

• “I don’t feel like my spouse knows me anymore.”

• “We’re in the same room but I feel unwanted/alone.”
  

This can lead to more fights 

“You never listen,”

or

“You don’t care”

or it can lead to quiet, painful distance where no one brings things up at all.

When emotional connection is missing, you stop turning toward each other’s bids for connection (“listen to this,” “I had a rough day”). Counseling helps you relearn how to show up for each other emotionally so the relationship doesn’t slowly die while you’re both still in it.

5. There’s Been Infidelity (or You’ve Considered It)

Infidelity is a huge, painful sign that something is deeply wrong in the marriage.

That includes:

• Emotional affairs

• Physical affairs

• Secret texting or messages

• Online or “micro-cheating”
  

Sometimes, even the fact that you’re thinking seriously about cheating is a giant red flag.

Infidelity doesn’t automatically mean the marriage is over, but it always means the marriage needs serious repair and in many cases it won't go back to the way it used to be. Trying to navigate that alone is incredibly hard; especially while trying to keep a level head through what can be a serious betrayal of trust. That's why having a neutral third party is ideal for dealing with infidelity in the relationship.

6. You’re Quietly Seeing a Divorce Attorney (or Thinking About It)

This one is more common than people admit.

You might:

• Have already spoken to a divorce lawyer “just to know your options.”

• Be secretly researching custody, property, and finances.

• Fantasize about leaving more than you imagine staying.
  

This doesn’t mean counseling is pointless. In fact, this is often when counseling can be most important to:

• Slow down panic decisions.

• Help you see whether the marriage is truly over or just deeply wounded.

• If you do separate, help you do it in a way that protects you and your kids emotionally and mentally as much as possible.

I've personally helped tons of people already in divorce court stop their divorces and get back together. And most of the time, it's not as hopeless as it seems.

7. Jealousy Is Hurting the Relationship

Jealousy could be signs of:

• Past betrayal, either in this relationship or earlier in life.

• Deep insecurity about being left or replaced.

• Real boundary issues, flirting, secret messages, or blurred lines with others.
  

When jealousy is constant, it can look like:

• Checking each other’s phones.

• Questioning every text, DM, or work relationship.

• Fights anytime one partner goes out without the other.
  

Jealousy by itself won’t fix anything. Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling help you:

• Understand what’s underneath it.

• Set boundaries both of you can live with.

• Build enough trust that neither of you feels like you have to monitor the other.

Dealing with jealousy can be difficult, but that's why digging into the root cause and finding a middle ground with a neutral party is essential. These character-traits while negative in nature, are actually quite common.

8. Trust Issues Are Causing Emotional Distress

Trust can be broken in many ways:

• Lying (even about “small things”)

• Hidden spending or secret accounts

• Addictions that were kept in the dark

• Infidelity

• Repeated broken promises
  

When trust is damaged it causes a lot of emotional walling and distance. Without rebuilding trust, couples get stuck in looping arguments and feeling like roommates. Counseling gives you a place to rebuild trust in a structured way.

9. Constant Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt

The Gottman Method talks about the “Four Horsemen” that predict relationship breakdown. Three of them show up as:

• Criticism – attacking your partner’s character (“You’re so lazy”) instead of acknowledging why they're saying what they're saying.

• Defensiveness – never taking responsibility, always counter-attacking.

• Contempt – eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, talking down to each other.
  

If your home is full of these patterns, it becomes emotionally unsafe. You stop bringing things up because you already know how it will go. This also leads to loss of intimacy and in many cases divorce.

10. Stonewalling and Emotional Withdrawal

The fourth Horseman is stonewalling or, shutting down or checking out during conflict.

You might see:

• One partner going silent mid-argument and refusing to talk.

• Hours or days of the “cold shoulder.”

• Escaping into work, screens, or sleep instead of dealing with issues.
  

Stonewalling usually isn’t about not caring; it’s about being overwhelmed. But the impact is the same: the other person feels abandoned and alone.

When both of you are either attacking or shutting down, you need outside help to learn how to stay in tough conversations without burning the relationship down, and that's exactly why marriage counseling exists.

When Should We Actually Reach Out for Marriage Counseling?

Here’s my simple rule of thumb:

If you notice that as time goes on you and your partner are growing apart and not together it's time to change things.

You don’t have to wait until:

• Someone has moved out.

• Papers are filed.

• Your kids beg you to stop fighting.
  

The earlier you reach out, the more options you have, and the more time you have to fix things.

FAQ: Signs Your Marriage Needs Counseling

How do we know who to talk to?

Look for:

• Someone who specializes in couples, not just “does a bit of everything.”

• Someone both of you feel you can be honest and comfortable with.
  

If you’re in or around Maryland or open to online coaching, you can reach out to me anytime. And if I'm not a match I can still point you in a helpful direction.

What if my spouse doesn’t want counseling?

This is incredibly common. If your spouse isn’t ready, you can still start.

Working on your own communication, boundaries, and reactions often changes the dynamic enough that a reluctant partner becomes more open to attending later.

References

GoodRx: 12 Signs You Should Consider Couples Therapy https://www.goodrx.com/well-being/relationships/signs-to-seek-couples-counseling

Kenosis Center: Marriage Therapy: 8 Signs You Should See a Marriage Counselor https://kenosiscenter.com/marriage-therapy-8-signs-you-should-see-a-marriage-counselor/

Grief Recovery Houston: Signs You and Your Partner Need Couples Counseling https://www.griefrecoveryhouston.com/signs-partner-need-couples-counseling/

Talkspace: 11 Signs You Need to Go to Couples Therapy https://www.talkspace.com/blog/signs-you-need-to-go-to-couples-therapy/

The Gottman Institute: Is It Time to Go to Couples Counseling?https://www.gottman.com/blog/is-it-time-to-go-to-couples-counseling/

The Gottman Institute: When Is It a Good Time to Seek Counseling?https://www.gottman.com/blog/when-is-it-a-good-time-to-seek-counseling/

The Gottman Institute: Timing Is Everything When It Comes to Marriage Counseling https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling/