Different Parenting Styles Are Tearing Us Apart: How Couples Therapy Can Help

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching Gottman trained Marriage and Relationship Coach | 15+ years | 4,000+ couples helped | Marriage counseling in Baltimore, Maryland and nationwide online

You love your kids. You love each other. But when it comes to parenting, it might feel like you are on opposite teams.

Maybe this sounds familiar:

• One of you is more strict, the other more relaxed.
  

• You argue about screen time, chores, bedtime, homework.
  

• Disagreements about parenting turn into character attacks:

  • “You are too harsh.”

  • “You are too soft.”
    

• You are scared the conflict is hurting your kids and your marriage.
  

You are not alone. Different parenting styles are one of the most common issues I see in couples counseling.

Common Parenting Style Clashes That Hurt Relationships & Marriages

Here are a few typical patterns:

• Strict vs lenient. One parent wants clear rules and strong consequences, the other is more flexible.
  

• Structured vs go with the flow. One values routines and schedules, the other prefers spontaneity and reading the moment.
  

• Emotion coaching vs “toughen up.” One parent encourages kids to talk about feelings; the other thinks this is coddling.
  

• Different family of origin stories. Each of you learned what “good parenting” looks like from your own upbringing, which may have been very different.
  

None of these styles is automatically right or wrong. But when they clash without communication, it can tear a marriage apart.

How Parenting Fights Hurt Your Marriage and Your Kids

Unresolved parenting conflict affects the whole family.

• Partners feel undermined or alone. You might feel like the only adult in the house, or like the “bad guy” while your spouse gets to be the fun parent.
  

• Kids learn to split parents. Children are smart. If they know you disagree, they may start playing you against each other to get what they want.
  

• Home feels unstable or tense. Even when you try not to argue in front of the kids, they sense the tension. Some become anxious; others act out.
  

The goal is not to erase all differences, but to line up as a team in front of your children.

4 Steps Couples Can Take To Stop Arguing About Their Parenting Habits Before Therapy

Here are some things you can try at home, even before therapy.

1. Identify Shared Long Term Goals for Your Children

Before debating bedtime or curfew, talk about the bigger picture.

Ask each other:

• “What kind of adults do we hope our kids become?”

• “What values matter most to us as parents?”

Common answers include kindness, responsibility, resilience, faith, curiosity, or integrity.

When you see that you share many of the same goals, it is easier to compromise about the methods.

2. Talk About What You Learned Growing Up

Our parenting instincts come from somewhere.

Share with each other:

• What did you like about how you were raised?

• What did you promise yourself you would do differently?

• How did your parents handle discipline, affection, and conflict?

Understanding the story behind your partner’s style can soften judgment and increase empathy.

3. Decide Together on Non Negotiable Rules

There will always be some things you both agree are essential:

• Bedtime ranges

• Screen time limits

• Safety rules

• Respect for adults and siblings

Write down a short list of non negotiables you both can support. Outside that list, see where you can each flex a bit.

4. Agree Not to Fight About Parenting in Front of the Kids

Disagreements should happen behind closed doors, not in front of your children.

If you disagree in the moment, you can say:

“Let us talk about this later and get on the same page. For now, we are going with what Mom or Dad said.”

Then actually talk later.

How Couples Therapy Helps With Parenting Style Conflicts

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, you get stuck. That is where couples therapy can make a big difference.

In session, we can:

• Create a neutral space where neither partner is “the problem.” We look at the pattern, not the villain.
  

• Translate each person’s fears and values. Often, one parent is afraid the kids will be spoiled; the other is afraid the kids will feel unloved. Naming those fears can help shape a kid's future and your marriage much better by learning to come to common ground through vulnerability and honesty
  

• Build a joint parenting philosophy. Together we create guidelines you both feel good about, with clear roles and expectations.
  

When Therapy Is Especially Important

Consider couples therapy soon if:

• Parenting fights are constant and intense.

• Disagreements spill into threats of separation or divorce.

• One partner feels unsafe or disrespected in front of the children.

• You are in a blended family and dealing with ex partners or step parenting challenges.

• You both feel more like adversaries than teammates.
  

Getting support is not a sign you are bad parents. It is a sign that you care enough to get on the same team.

FAQ

Should kids ever be included in sessions?

Sometimes, especially older children or teens, but not until the two of you have some stability and shared agreements. Often we start with the parents, then decide together if and when to bring kids in.

What if I think my partner’s style is actually harmful?

We take those concerns seriously. Therapy gives you a safe place to talk openly about behaviors that worry you and to explore alternatives. If there are genuine safety issues, we address those first.

Can we work on our marriage and parenting at the same time?

You cannot fully separate them. As we strengthen your marriage, communication, respect, intimacy, you will parent better together. And as you parent more as a team, your marriage will feel less strained. We can absolutely work on both.

References

Broward Therapy Group – How to Handle Different Parenting Styles During Conflicthttps://www.browardtherapygroup.com/blog/how-to-handle-different-parenting-styles-during-conflict

California Integrative Therapy – Parenting Disagreementshttps://californiaintegrativetherapy.com/parenting-disagreements/

Cope Centre – Couples Therapy for Parenting Problemshttps://copecentre.org/couples-therapy-for-parenting-problems/

IE Couples Counseling – Discover Your Parenting Stylehttps://www.iecouplescounseling.com/blog/discover-your-parenting-style-couples-therapy

Integrated Behavioral Health CT – Parenting Styleshttps://integratedbehavioralhealthct.com/parenting-styles/

Thrive Psychology – Are Different Parenting Styles Ruining Your Marriagehttps://www.mythrivepsychology.com/thrive-blog/different-parenting-styles-ruining-marriage