Expert Tips for Improving Marital Connection

John Weiman
Nov 18
7 min read

By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching Gottman trained Marriage and Relationship Coach | 15+ years | 4,000+ couples helped | Marriage counseling in Baltimore, Maryland and nationwide online

Tips to improve your marriage| Marriage counseling, Relationship counseling, Couples therapy, Baltimore Maryland and nationwide in America

Since you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you and your spouse feel more like coworkers or roommates than romantic partners. Or you just want to know how to deepen your already great connection! Whatever the case:

You might be managing kids, scheduling, dealing with bills, and handling logistics… but the emotional connection is not what it used to be. Date nights feel forced, if you still have them, conversations are nonexistent or shallow at best, and you might find yourself wondering:

“Is this just what long term marriage feels like?”

The answer is: it doesn't need to feel like this. Here is the good news: connection can be rebuilt. But only with the right habits.

After working with thousands of couples, and using research based tools, here are my top 10 expert tips for improving marital connection.

Why Marital Connection Fades Over Time:

Connection usually doesn’t disappear overnight. It erodes slowly.

A few common reasons:

Stress and busyness crowd out emotional check ins. Work, kids, aging parents, and constant notifications leave very little energy for each other.
Unresolved conflict leads to withdrawal. When old arguments never get repaired, one or both of you pull back to avoid more hurt.
Kids and careers move you into business partner mode. You become professional problem solvers together, but you stop being friends and lovers.
No one ever taught you how to maintain an emotional connection. We get more training for our jobs than for our marriages. You might be doing the best you can with tools you never got.

The good news is that connection is built from small, repeated moments, not grand gestures. Let’s talk about how.

Top 10 Ways to Improve Your Connection With Your Partner

1. Update Each Other’s Love Maps

Your Love Map is your mental map of your partner’s inner world. It sounds a bit daunting so let's break it down:

What are they stressed about right now?
What are they excited about?
Who are the important people in their life?
What are the big and small dreams they care about?

Over time, many couples stop asking questions and start making assumptions.

Try this: Ask each other three questions tonight:

“What has been the most stressful part of your week?”
“What are you looking forward to this month?”
“Is there anything you wish I understood better about what you’re going through?”

The more updated your Love Maps are, the easier connection becomes. Assumptions can easily take a turn for the worst so openly asking even if you already think you know the answer can really help.

2. Turn Toward Your Partner’s Bids for Connection

A bid is any small attempt to connect:

“Want to Watch this movie?”
“You won’t believe what happened at work.”
A sigh, a joke, a text, a touch.

You have three options when your partner bids:

Turn toward – respond with interest or care.
Turn away – ignore or stay buried in your phone.
Turn against – respond with irritation or criticism.

Couples who stay strong long term turn toward each other’s bids far more often than they turn away or against.

Try this: For one day, simply notice how many bids you each make and how you respond. Then talk about it gently. Learn more about bids for connection here

3. Create Daily Rituals of Connection

You do not need hours together every day. Short, intentional moments matter.

Examples:

Ten minute coffee together in the morning without phones or TV.
A goodbye ritual before work where you share one thing you are facing that day.
A reunion ritual when you get home: a hug, three breaths, and “how was your day really?”
A bedtime check in with something that happened that day.
Going for a workout together.

Anything.

These rituals signal, “No matter how busy life gets, we are important.” It can be big or small but these are a pivotal part of keeping relationships going

4. Practice Fondness and Admiration Out Loud

Many couples still feel appreciation inside, but it never gets spoken.

Over time, silence lets negativity take over. To rebuild connection, you have to intentionally notice and name what you value in each other.

Try this:

Once a day, say one specific thing you appreciate:

“Thank you for making the kids’ lunches.”
“I love how patient you were with your mom on the phone.”
“You looked really good in that outfit today.”

Fondness and admiration are the antidote to contempt and resentment.

5. Use Soft Startups When You Bring Up Issues

How you start a difficult conversation largely determines how it will end. In fact research tells us that the first 3 minutes of a fight are usually the minutes that tell us the most about the issues.

A harsh startup sounds like:

“You never listen to me.”
“You’re so selfish.”
“What is wrong with you?”

A soft startup focuses on your feelings and needs:

“I felt really alone handling bedtime tonight. Can we talk about how to share it more?”
“I am worried about money. Can we sit down and look at the budget together?”
"I feel a little overwhelmed from work, could you handle the dishes?"

Soft startups help your partner stay open instead of getting defensive.

6. Make Repair Attempts Early and Often

A repair attempt is anything that keeps a conflict from spiraling:

“Let me try that again.”
“That came out wrong.”
“Can we take a breath?”
A joking smile or gentle touch that says, “We are on the same team.”

Healthy couples are not the ones who never fall off the horse; they are the ones who get back on the horse the fastest.

Try this: Next time an argument starts, see if you can notice it early and say, “I care about you more than being right. Can we slow down?”

7. Follow the 5 to 1 Positive to Negative Ratio

Research shows that stable, happy couples tend to have at least five positive interactions for every negative one, even during conflict.

Positive interactions include:

Sharing a joke
Asking a curious question
Saying thank you
Touching affectionately
Smiling or making eye contact

You don’t need to count every moment, but you can ask, “Are we giving each other enough positives to balance the inevitable negatives?”

8. Share and Honor Each Other’s Dreams

Under many recurring conflicts lies a hidden dream:

A dream of adventure
A dream of security
A dream of being a certain kind of parent or partner
A dream of using your gifts in the world

When those dreams are ignored or dismissed, resentment grows.

Try this:

Ask each other, “What is one dream you have for your life that you do not talk about much?”
Listen without fixing or judging.
See if there is any small way you can support that dream.

Honoring dreams does not mean agreeing with everything; it means taking them seriously.

9. Schedule a Weekly Marriage Check In

Think of this as a “State of the Union” for your relationship.

Once a week, set aside 60 minutes to talk about:

What went well between us this week?
What felt hard or disconnected?
What is one thing we could each do next week to feel closer?

Have one partner talk about what went well for 15 minutes, then what they wish was better and then let the other partner do the same.

Keep phones away and choose a time when you are not exhausted.

These check ins prevent small issues from becoming big fights.

10. Ask for Help Before You Are on the Brink

Sometimes you can rebuild connection on your own. Sometimes you are too stuck in the pattern to see your way out.

Consider counseling when:

You keep trying to reconnect but slide back into old habits
One partner has shut down or checked out
There is serious betrayal or long term resentment
You feel more like roommates than partners most days

Getting help is not a sign that your marriage is weak; it is a sign that it matters to you. Learn about the benefits of marriage counseling and couples therapy here

How I Help Couples Connect/Reconnect Better Emotionally In Baltimore Maryland and All Across America!

In my work with couples in Baltimore, Maryland and across the United States:

We use longer, intensive style sessions so you actually get to the root of issues instead of watching the clock.
I blend Research-Based tools with practical coaching homework so you know exactly what to practice between sessions.
Any couple I work with can call me in-between sessions for help, questions, concerns, etc.

FAQ

Is it normal for connection to fade after kids?

Sadly yes. Most couples see a dip in connection when kids arrive. What matters is whether you intentionally rebuild time together, or whether the marriage permanently falls to the bottom of the priority list.

Can we fix this without counseling?

Some couples can, especially if both people:

Are motivated
Take responsibility
Practice the habits above consistently

If you keep trying and still feel stuck, or if there is deep hurt or betrayal, counseling can speed up the process and keep you from repeating the same fights.

How long before we should expect to feel closer again?

Every couple is different, but many begin to feel small shifts within a few weeks of consistent effort. Deeper rebuilding after long term distance or affairs can take months or more. The key is steady, honest work, not overnight magic.