What Steps Can We Take To Overcome Trust Issues In Our Marriage?
- John Weiman
- Nov 28
- 5 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Relationship Coaching, Couples Therapy, and Marriage Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland
Trust issues do not always start with one big betrayal.
Sometimes it is a long string of small broken promises.
Sometimes it is secrets about money, substances, or online behavior.
Sometimes it comes from past trauma that happened long before you met.
Couples in my office in Baltimore often say things like:
“I love my spouse, but I do not trust them.”
“I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“I check their phone, and I hate that I am doing it.”
If that sounds familiar, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. Trust can be rebuilt, but it does not happen by accident. It happens through a series of very specific steps that both partners commit to.
What trust issues look like in a marriage
Trust problems usually show up long before anyone uses the word “trust.”
You might notice:
You question where your partner is or who they are with
You feel uneasy when they are on their phone or computer
Conversations about money feel tense and secretive
You cannot tell if their apologies are sincere or just to end the argument
You feel like you are carrying the relationship more than they are
On the other side, your partner may feel:
Constantly interrogated
Like nothing they do is ever enough
Afraid to tell you the truth because they expect a blow-up
Both of you end up exhausted and alone.
Here are concrete steps you can start taking together.
10 Steps You Can Take To Overcome Trust Issues In Your Marriage
Step 1: Name what broke trust
You cannot fix trust in a general way.
Was it infidelity
Hidden debt or spending
Lying about substances or habits
Repeated broken promises
Emotional absence during major life events
Sit down and describe the specific moments where trust was damaged. Each person shares, and the other listens. No defending, no counterattacks, just clarity.
Step 2: Own your part clearly and directly
If you were the one who broke trust, your first job is not to explain. Your first job is to own it.
Examples:
“I lied about where I was because I did not want to deal with your reaction. That was wrong.”
“I hid the credit card because I was ashamed of my spending and I did not want you to see it. That damaged our trust.”
You are not doing this to shame yourself. You are doing it so your partner does not feel gaslighted or crazy. Without clear ownership, healing stalls.
Step 3: End secret behavior and create real transparency
Trust grows when there are no hidden pockets.
This can include:
Sharing passwords or access to accounts for a period of time
Being clear about schedules and check-ins
Volunteering information instead of waiting to be asked
Letting your partner see bank or credit statements without surprise
Transparency is not permanent surveillance. It is a temporary cast on a broken bone so it can heal straight.
Step 4: Choose honesty even when it costs you in the short term
Many trust issues come from “protective lies” that keep the peace for a moment and destroy safety long-term.
Start practicing uncomfortable honesty:
“I did not pay that bill on time, and I was afraid to tell you.”
“I watched something online I am not proud of.”
“I said yes to something I do not actually want.”
Your partner may react strongly at first. That does not mean honesty was wrong. Over time, consistent truth-telling is what convinces them that things are different now.
Step 5: Make small promises and keep them
Trust is rebuilt in small, boring ways.
Say you will be home at a certain time and follow through
Say you will handle a task and actually do it
Say you will check in during a trip and keep the routine
Start with promises you can realistically keep. Each kept promise is a small deposit in the emotional bank account. The goal is slow, steady progress, not one grand gesture.
Step 6: Address the reasons behind the behavior, not only the behavior
If there was lying, secrecy, or betrayal, ask:
Was there untreated trauma
Was there addiction or compulsive behavior
Was there untreated anxiety or depression
Was there resentment that no one ever named
Trust will not hold if the root cause stays untouched. This is where individual therapy, couples counseling, and sometimes support groups make a big difference.
Step 7: Talk openly about triggers and how to handle them
The hurt partner will have triggers.
Seeing a certain name on the phone
When their spouse is late and does not text
When money is tight, and no one is talking about it
Agree together:
How will you handle triggers in the moment
What reassurance is helpful, and what makes it worse
When is it okay to ask questions, and when do you need a break
For example: “If I get triggered, I will tell you. I may ask for a brief reassurance, and then I will work on calming my body down instead of interrogating you for an hour.”
Step 8: Practice emotional safety on purpose
Trust is not only about honesty. It is also about whether you feel safe with each other.
Work on:
Listening without interrupting
Reflecting back on what you heard before responding
Avoiding name-calling, contempt, and threats of divorce in conflict
Repairing quickly after arguments
When people feel emotionally safe, they are more likely to be honest, even about things that are not flattering.
Step 9: Create new positive experiences together
If all of your energy goes into “fixing trust,” the relationship can start to feel like a permanent repair shop.
Alongside the hard work, build new moments of connection:
Shared hobbies or learning something together
Time away from screens, where you are present with each other
Experiences that remind you why you chose each other in the first place
Positive moments do not erase the past, but they give you a future worth rebuilding trust for.
Step 10: Get structured help if you keep looping
If you have tried to repair trust and keep circling back to the same arguments, it is time to bring in help.
In marriage counseling at Life Bridge Coaching, I help couples:
Map out exactly where trust broke
Create a step-by-step repair plan that both partners agree on
Work through triggers, flashbacks, and resentment in a contained way
Rebuild friendship, intimacy, and shared meaning as trust returns
Whether you are in Baltimore, Maryland, or somewhere else in the United States, online sessions can give you a space to work on this without it taking over your entire home life.
FAQ: Trust issues in marriage
How long does it take to rebuild trust?
There is no exact timeline, but many couples notice real shifts within several months of consistent work. Full rebuilding can take longer, especially after a major betrayal.
Should I stay if my partner keeps breaking trust?
If patterns continue despite honest conversations and opportunities to change, it may be time to set firmer boundaries or consider individual counseling to explore your options.
Is checking my partner’s phone always wrong
Checking devices can sometimes soothe anxiety in the short term, but keep you stuck long-term. A better goal is to build a level of openness where you could look if needed, but you no longer feel compelled to.
Can trust issues come from childhood trauma, even if my spouse did nothing wrong?
Yes. Old wounds can create current anxiety. In that case, both partners work together: one does personal healing, the other responds with understanding instead of defensiveness.
If you have any questions about rebuilding trust in your marriage or want to know whether couples counseling might help, you can reach out through the Life Bridge Coaching website or call the number listed on the contact page to talk through your situation!
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