My partner lies about everything.
- John Weiman
- Nov 28
- 5 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Relationship Coaching, Couples Therapy, and Marriage Counseling in Baltimore, Maryland
Few things shake a marriage like realizing, “I do not know when to believe my partner.”
Maybe you discovered small lies about money or where they were.
Maybe they hide how much they drink.
Maybe they say what you want to hear in the moment and do something completely different later.
Over time, you stop trusting anything.
You double-check stories.
You scan for inconsistencies.
Your body never relaxes.
If you are searching “My partner lies about everything,” you are not looking for a theory. You want to know if this can change and how to protect yourself in the process.
Here are ten steps I walk couples through when dishonesty has become a pattern.
Top 10 ways to heal compulsive lying in your relationship
Step 1: Be honest about the impact, not just the lie
Most people who lie regularly tell themselves, “It is not a big deal” or “I am protecting you from overreacting.”
You need to give a clear picture of what their lying is doing to you.
For example:
“When I find out you lied about who you were with, I feel like the floor drops out from under me. My chest tightens, my mind spins, and I start questioning every memory we have together.”
You are not trying to punish them. You are showing that “little lies” have big emotional consequences.
Step 2: Understand the function of the lying
People do not usually lie constantly because they enjoy it. They do it because the lies are serving some purpose.
Common drivers:
Fear of conflict or anger
Deep shame or low self worth
Addiction or compulsive behavior they are trying to hide
Growing up in a home where lying was normal or “safer” than telling the truth
This does not excuse the behavior, but it does guide treatment. A partner who lies because of untreated trauma needs a different approach than someone who lies to maintain an affair.
Step 3: Draw a clear line between privacy and secrecy
Everyone is allowed a private inner world. Lying turns privacy into secrecy.
Privacy is:
Having your own thoughts and friendships while still being honest about big things that affect the relationship.
Secrecy is:
Hiding behavior you know would hurt your partner if they found out.
Together, decide which topics are non-negotiable for honesty. That often includes
money
substances
whereabouts
relationships with ex-partners
Anything that could affect safety.
Step 4: Stop asking questions you do not want the real answer to
This may sound strange, but hear me out.
If you repeatedly ask questions in a way that signals “There is only one acceptable answer,” you make real honesty feel dangerous.
Examples:
“You did not talk to her again, right?”
“You are not still doing that, are you?”
Instead, try:
“I want the truth, even if it hurts. I would rather work with what is real than keep guessing.”
Step 5: Create a truth and safety agreement
For change to happen, you both need to know what will happen when the truth comes out.
Some couples agree:
If you tell me a hard truth proactively, I will respond without name-calling, threats, or bringing up every mistake you have ever made.
I may still be hurt or upset, but I will stay in the conversation.
This does not mean you never get to be angry. It means you are committed to being a safe enough person that honesty is possible.
Step 6: Require full truth, not partial truth
Compulsive liars often give just enough truth to calm the situation while still hiding important details.
You might hear:
“Okay, I messaged them once. It was nothing.”
Later, you find out there were months of messages.
When you discover half-truths, say:
“It is not the content alone that hurts, it is the layers. Every time I find out there was more, it restarts the clock on rebuilding trust.”
In recovery work, we often create structured disclosures where everything related to a pattern is laid out at once, so you are not stuck in permanent discovery.
Step 7: Shift the focus from “getting caught” to internal integrity
As long as the main motivation for honesty is “I do not want to get in trouble,” the lying will just get more sophisticated.
The deeper shift is:
“I want to be the kind of partner who tells the truth because that is who I choose to be, even when I could get away with lying.”
This often requires individual therapy for the partner who lies. They need support to face shame, anxiety, or addiction and to build a stronger sense of self.
Step 8: Set boundaries and consequences that protect you
Loving someone does not mean accepting endless deception.
Healthy boundaries might look like:
“We will not share finances until there has been six months of consistent honesty.”
“If you lie about contact with that person again, I will move out for a period of separation while we decide what comes next.”
Boundaries are not threats. They are statements of how you will take care of yourself if the pattern continues.
Step 9: Look for consistent behavior change over time
Anyone can promise change for a week.
You are looking for:
Volunteered information, not just answers when caught
Follow through on agreements without reminders
Willingness to attend counseling, work a recovery program, or be accountable to othersSmall daily actions that line up with their words
Most couples who heal from chronic lying talk less about a single breakthrough and more about months of steady, boring consistency.
Step 10: Get professional help if the pattern is entrenched
If lying has been baked into your relationship for years, trying to untangle it on your own can feel impossible.
Sometimes this process restores the relationship. Sometimes it gives one or both partners clarity that they need to leave. Either way, you are no longer stuck in the dark.
FAQ: Lying in relationships and marriage counseling
Is lying always a sign that the relationship should end?
Not always. Many couples repair after serious dishonesty, especially when the lying stops, the deeper issues are addressed, and both partners do the work. Repeated lying without real effort is a different story.
How do I know if my partner is really changing?
Look for transparency, not just apologies. Are they showing you their day instead of hiding it Are they following through on commitments for months, not days? Do their actions stay steady even when you are not watching closely?
Should I confront every single lie I find?
If the pattern is constant, chasing every small lie will burn you out. Focus on categories of deception and on larger patterns. Counseling can help you decide what to address and how.
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