Can marriage counseling truly help with resentment? | Marriage counseling specializing in resentment.
- John Weiman
- 6 days ago
- 6 min read
By John Weiman, CEO of Life Bridge Coaching | #1 Relationship Coaching in America | 15+ years helping couples reconnect | Marriage Counseling, Relationship Coaching, and Couples Therapy in Maryland
You make a simple comment about dinner
“This restaurant food is good, isn’t it”
and your partner fires back
“You have never appreciated my cooking.”
You mention wanting a vacation
“We need a break. It has been a long time since we went away together.”
and you get
“What do you want me to do, quit my job”
You feel blindsided and confused. You start wondering
“What did I even say wrong”
After enough of these interactions, many people quietly think
“I think my partner hates me.”
You try to explain yourself, but the more you talk, the worse it gets. Eventually, you stop trying and pour your energy into work, chores, or scrolling on your phone. You still want connection, but it feels impossible.
In many couples, what you're feeling is resentment plus what's called negative sentiment override.
Once that pattern takes hold, your partner hears everything through a negative filter, and you may start to do the same.
The good news is that this can be fixed. Let's start with why this happens.
Top 3 reasons your partner might feel like they “hate” you
These come straight out of what's called blame, resentment, and negative sentiment override, plus what I see every week in my office.
1. Unhealed emotional injuries have stacked up
Resentment rarely comes from one moment. It comes from many small emotional injuries that were never really healed.
These might include times when
They waited for you, and you were late and brushed it off
You shared something personal about them in front of family or friends
They brought up a concern, and you had a good reason, so you minimized it
In their body, these experiences felt like
“I am not important.”
“My feelings do not matter here.”
“I am on my ow.n”
Maybe they tried to talk about it gently early on. You were busy, stressed, or defensive. So those hurts got pushed down.
Over time... They turned into a filter.
Now, even neutral comments are interpreted as attacks or evidence that you do not care. That is a negative sentiment override. Your partner is not reacting only to what you said today. They are reacting to a whole history of unhealed pain.
2. Resentment has turned into criticism and contempt
When resentment builds, it often shows up as two of the Four Horsemen
Criticism
Contempt
Instead of
“I feel hurt that you did not call when you were running late”
it becomes
“You never think of anyone but yourself.”
Instead of
“I miss feeling appreciated for the things I do at home”
it becomes
“You would not survive a week without me.”
Eye rolling, sarcasm, and jabs are all ways that resentment leaks out.
From the outside, it can look like “my partner hates me”
On the inside, this is usually
“I am hurt.”
“I am scared you do not care.”
“I feel like I have to attack you or you will never hear me.”
None of this makes criticism and contempt healthy. They are extremely corrosive. But they make more sense when you see them as a twisted expression of pain rather than random meanness.
3. You are both getting pulled into a negative sentiment override
If this goes on long enough, you may both reach a place where everything the other person does feels loaded.
Research on sentiment override shows that in distressed couples
Neutral comments are heard as negative
Mildly negative comments are heard as deeply hostile
Examples
You say, “We should clean the kitchen.” They hear “You are a slob.”
They say, “You are on your phone a lot lately.” You hear, “You are a terrible partner.”
Eventually, you both start expecting the worst. You assume ill intent before the other person even opens their mouth.
From there, it is very easy to slide into emotional disengagement
You stop sharing
You stop trying to repair
You stop believing your partner will ever really see you
That “my partner hates me” feeling is often the surface expression of this whole cycle.
Top 3 ways to start fixing resentment in your marriage
You cannot erase years of hurt in an afternoon. But there are clear starting points.
1. Communicate to listen and heal old wounds:
Researchers recommend working directly with the emotional injuries underneath resentment.
That means setting aside time to talk about things like
“You did not stand up for me with your parents.”
“You were not there for me when I was sick.”
“In the first years of our marriage, I felt belittled or dismissed.”
The goal is not to prove that your memory is right. The goal is for your partner to feel heard and understood about how those moments affected them.
In practice, this looks like
Asking “What did that moment feel like for you”
Listening without correcting the details
Reflecting back
“You felt alone and unprotected when that happened.”
Asking “Is there anything I can say or do now that would help this feel more healed?”
You are helping your partner empty a very full emotional bucket. Until you do that, everything you pour on top will splash out as more negativity.
Blame and resentment are often carried by the Four Horsemen
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
To break the cycle, you need to change how you talk.
Some shifts that make a big difference
Swap criticism for a gentle start-up
From “You never listen”
To “I feel alone when I talk and you look at your phone. I need your attention for a few minutes.”
Replace contempt with sharing deeper feelings
Instead of “You are pathetic”
Try “Under my anger, I feel really hurt and scared that I do not matter to you.”
Trade defensiveness for responsibility
“You are right, I did dismiss you in front of your parents. I can see how that hurt you.”
Stop stonewalling and start self-soothing
“I am getting overwhelmed, and I do not want to say things I regret. Can we take a break for thirty minutes, then come back to this?”
When you stop unleashing the Horsemen and start sharing the softer feelings underneath, your partner has a chance to see your heart instead of just your defenses.
3. Accept responsibility and learn to self-soothe
Resentment loosens when both partners are willing to say
“I can see how I contributed to this pain, and I want to do better.”
This is not about taking all the blame. It is about taking your share.
You might say:
“I see now that canceling plans at the last minute made you feel unimportant. That was not my intention, but I understand the impact.”
“When I walked away without telling you I needed a break, you felt abandoned. I want to handle that differently.”
Alongside this, the Gottmans talk about self-soothing when you are emotionally flooded.
That means:
Noticing when your heart is racing and you feel panicky or enraged
Pausing the conversation
Doing something calming for at least twenty minutes
Walking
Breathing
Listening to music
Taking a shower
Then, coming back to finish the talk.
Accepting responsibility plus self-soothing allows you to stay engaged without either lashing out or disappearing. Over time, this rebuilds enough safety for resentment to begin to soften.
Can marriage counseling truly help with resentment?
Yes. When it is done well and both people are willing to participate, marriage counseling can be a powerful way to work directly with resentment and negative sentiment override.
In my work with couples, that usually includes:
Making space to name and explore old hurts that were never healed
Teaching you how to talk about those hurts without attacking or defending
Identifying where the Four Horsemen show up in your conversations
Practicing the antidotes in real time, right there in session
Helping each of you take responsibility for your part without collapsing into shame
Coaching you on how to do time-outs and self-soothing in a way that feels safe for both of you
Marriage counseling that specializes in resentment is not about assigning a villain and a victim. It is about understanding how both of you got stuck in this pattern and how both of you can start stepping out of it.
When should you consider counseling for resentment?
You might want to reach out for help if:
Simple comments routinely turn into big fights or cold silence
Your partner seems angry or bitter most of the time, and you have no idea how to reach them
You both feel stuck in “what is the point, nothing changes”
You recognize yourself in the description of the negative sentiment override
One or both of you are starting to think about leaving, but you are not sure you have really tried to work on the resentment directly
There is no award for waiting until the very last minute. The earlier you address resentment, the easier it is to repair.
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